I've been subjected to 'neverland parenting' all my life. To those unfamiliar with my term, it's where parents fill their child's head with dreams of castles in the sky, magical unicorns and the fabled happily ever after. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and shall lay down my life for them if needed, regardless of their parenting methods. But I fear that the objective of this particular parenting methods has backfired, miserably.
"What happened to you to make you think of life this way?" Surprisingly, twas not a complaint nor an accusation form dear daddy. It was a painfully simple question, one with a resigned tone. As if he accepts the fact that I'm this way, but maybe (like me) he just needs reasons. Frankly, the question startled me. When indeed did I turn into this sarcastic-pessimist and occasionally mean-spirited person? I've never really noticed how obviously pessimistic I am. I was told I was not always like this by the older ones. Some even joked that I've grown drastically sombre over the years. So much so that I've even surpassed them. Huh.
Till this day, I haven't answered his question.. Not even in an attempt to make him fell better, simply because I have no idea what to say. I'm sure it must be a result of some incident or even a series of events. But god help me, I cant pin-point it. This is how I've always remembered myself. How the hell am I supposed to find a 'before' and 'after' me anyway??
I shall not deny that the memories of yesteryear are still oh, so sweet. The nights we spent sneaking out of the house to the nearest playground just for a few minutes on the swings was one of the brightest and happiest I have. You'd push me as high as it would go when other parents would shudder and yell for their kids to stop. And on every visit you'd remind me that if I go high enough, I can be one with the skies. When I'm there, I'm free and nothing can touch me. Even as a child, I understood that it was one of the best and most craved after feeling there is in the world; to be untouchable.
Silly as it is, I believed every word because it actually felt like it was true. I felt the carefree freedom then, and still do now -sometimes. Maybe I'm not so jaded after all? Maybe that's why I'll suddenly find myself in random playgrounds when I needed reassurance that the world ain't that bad. As always, I'll go in the middle of the night. As always, alone.
After over a decade, the old playground came into my mind. Since I'm so fucked up now, what better place to get that carefree feeling again then the place where I first experienced it??
But the place was not as I remembered it to be. Oh, my imagination didn't play tricks on me, I remember things well. with excruciating detail even. I could've sworn that there was a cool tennis court in the background, complete with nets and a cage. Now all that's left is a slab of concrete amidst overgrown grass. The monkey bars which used to gleam now looked like a death trap with parts of it so eroded that it looks like it'll collapse in any minute. And not forgetting the swings. My fav swing is no longer, only a lone metal chain remains. But thankfully a swing in the other end of the playground was still intact. Though I did fear that the chains would snap with my fat ass on it, I went as high as it would go..
The place is now a dump, I shall never deny that. But it's MY dump. And bygod, the magic still remains. We're the same. This playground and I. Amidst the wear and tear, we both still have our spark.
8 years ago
