Change of management

It's new year's eve.

And I smell change in the air. (heh.)

UiTM shall have a NEW VC. (O.0)?
Yes, it's true!
As I type this lil post, the Current VC, our Tan Sri Dato'... (too many pangkat).. seri prof. Abu Shah is bidding farewell to the university and us lil people.

Crying faces and mass confusion- that's what you see during the farewell bash.

Twas unexpected indeed. With no news nor warning signs, the VC is replaced- the news given to him through a bloody phone call no less! No grace period for our good old VC- even after 9 years of his life dedicated to the university.

Personally, I do not know what to make of this. Why so rushed?

A political move? Maybe? Yes? No?
I shall keep mum.

*Sigh*
How shall we ever survive without his pictures (or more importantly, his dazzling mustache) on our campus' billboards and banners??

But the million question is...
Who shall be the new VC?? Jeng 3x!

I know~
Hihi.
The letter of his appointment is already out.
Maybe we'll fare better (or worse.. who knows?) with a man with a similar built as our current VC, darker skin tone.. but (unfortunately?), no killer mustache. (Clue!!!)

As you read this, major changes are already planned for most of the university's administrative system.

But will it work??
Only time shall tell..

Fra la la~ (not)

Funny how my holidays are never conventional (Thank god).

Despite the (obvious) efforts of the elders (Ha!), we 'kiddies' spent the day binging on our all time fav profanity filled films and a good dose of mind numbing music. Although we all earned dirty looks and a looong lecture(s) on the (apparently) important 'family bonding time' on Xmas- Twas definitely worth it.

We started with "Breakfast at Tiffany's"- Yes,yes.. It's a chick flick but goddamn(!) I LOVE Audrey. I'd totally do her (Heh). And they way they spoke in the 60's is positively yummy!
You're ace baby!

I so wanna try that ciggie pipe thingy! But I have absolutely no idea where to get one :'(

And even in black n white + bloody powder mascara, she's hot. That bitch!

Was reintroduced to the magic that is "Thank you for smoking". God, it has been ages since I've last seen it. I forgot how wonderful their dialogs and their awesome (albeit unorthodox) ideas are.

"I wanna fuck you while you're on TV. Hurry, before your segment ends!"

Ahh~ Funny how simple words like that brings fourth both comedy and romance. Love it!

Continued the the film fest with god knows what else.. "Before sunset" was (duh!!) a must and we even watched fucking "Schindler's List "(!) which was mind blowing. Who knew watching the Nazis was sooo good?? "Julie + Julia" was Surprisingly damned good too. The people describing the film should find another job. Because you guys suck. They made the film sound like a stiff emotionless biography. Suffice to say, it was anything but. But beware to those on diets! The film may induce sudden pangs of hunger for fine cuisine. :)

We eventually stopped the film fest due to 'biji mata kering' syndrome. Boo-hoo.

So to entertain ourselves, we raided the house's record collections! Yes, I'm not fucking kidding- I do mean the huge ass black records! Judas Priest-Def Leppard-Deep purple-Led Zepplin Bliss! Hard rock much?? *Sigh* But what to do, the uncles (including daddy) were die (really!) hard fans. Imagine 50-60 year olds playing air guitar to their old tunes. Beyond weird.

But managed to slid in some Florence+the machine in (Yes, I know. I'm SO obsessed! I barely listen to anything else) and some good ol' The Cranberries.

Dug up this recent pic of them. And now I'm beyond green with envy. Dolores is as old as my mom and she looks friggin' hot. (You look hot too mummy!) Heh.

I want her hair! I want it bright red too! If only I was as pretty (and slim) as her to be able to carry it off.. Fuck me.

'Eventually' has come

To be quite honest, I started this post yesterday. On the 23rd of Dec at approximately 4 am..

But I hadn't the will power to actually finish it. Mostly because all I really wanted to do was to wallow in my own misery and cry my eyes out- which I did. Anyways, I couldn't type even if I wanted to. The tears blurred my vision. Ergo, I couldn't even see the keyboard. Heh.

Now that I'm (somewhat) sober enough to think clearly, the whole heart-break-drama was totally my fault. As the bestie pointed out;
"You should've lied for the sake of his happiness."

I'm such a fucking idiot. Because come to think of it, that's exactly what I should've done. I knew that I could fix the problem. Or ATLEAST made sure that the problem is actually unfixable (is that even a word??). So why not spare the other the pain of knowing?? I could've just fixed the freakin' problem and pretend like nothing is wrong. No one would know except me. Stupid, stupid girl! Why didn't I think of that before I opened my big fat gob?! *Bash head on wall*

This, ladies and gentleman is the classic example of how a person of usually sound mind can make an unsound decision in a stressful situation.

But what hurt the most is not the problem per se'. It's what the problem has made me realise.

For almost 6 months, we've never fought. Fine, we had a few lil squabbles here and there.. but never anything that truly upset me. Certainly never anything that would actually jeopardize our relationship. So in my head I imagined him handling things differently when trouble rears it's ugly head.

I imagined that he'll stand by me. Never wavering. Not even for a second. Like some knight in shining armour. To always be the pillar I can lean on regardless of how tough things may get.

Because deep down inside, I desperately hoped that he had more faith in our relationship then I do. Because lets face it, I don't have a lot of faith in relationships. Period.

So when he wavered, it hurt like I never imagined it could.

Please don't get me wrong.. I am in no way a better person then he is. In fact I'm worse. Because I foist upon him an expectation so high that it was impossible for him to live up to. I was selfish and unfair. And for that I deserved all the heart ache. It wasn't him who brought fourth the pain- it was me. And my lofty dreams. This is what I get for detaching myself from reality.

there's a saying; the higher you get, the harder you fall.
Hitting the cold hard earth is agony. I do not recommend it.

I guess I ain't as bulletproof as I thought I was. No. In actual fact, yesterday showed me how much of a weakling I really am. To dissolve into a pathetic puddle at the mere thought of losing him. Uggh! Just thinking about it now makes me mad at myself. Spineless! And I hate it. I wasn't like this last year, or the many years before. I haven't cried for a (almost) broken relationship since I was fucking 13- which was when I've decided not to give a single person my all.

Maybe I was right. Love does make you weak.
But I would give all I have to be proven wrong..

Lady of leisure

Once upon a time, there lived a lady (princess??) who wished to be slim (Skinny??).

Unfortunately, there's a few major problems in making the fair lady's (Ha!) dreams a reality..

She Bermuda triangulates food- usually rich in fatty badness. She absolutely HATES exercising and she may also be one of the laziest creatures you'll ever meet. Ergo, she only managed to stick to her low carb diet for (approximately) 6 hours and her resolve to exercise only survived a measly 3 days- which by her standards is pretty damn good. Alas, that wouldn't zap away the buncit-ness of her belly and sausage-like legs.

Tsk..Tsk..

So it's no wonder she's still tipping the scales. Poor girl.

But wait! One misty morning, the lady (who has not slept the whole night due to in-fuckme-somnia) got a call from the grand duchess. The duchess says;

"Darlin', I noticed you were online on facebook! Jolly good! Would you fancy a jog around the magical lake?"

The lady was reluctant, but she remembered her yet-to-be-realised dream and thought why not? Ohh... If she'd only knew how much she would've regretted her decision!

So they arrived at the magical lake (somewhere in sek7, I think..) and started the torture. by the time they finished 3 laps around the now-not-so-magical lake, they were already.. how to say this.. Uhh.. pancit. But with their determined spirits, they managed to go two (WOW!) more laps before collapsing. Even the lady's guts were hurting! But no pain, no gain right?

Twas a big lake- in the lady's opinion. So pancit-ness justified.

When they (finally!) caught their breaths, the duchess complained of immense hunger. So off they went to royal eatery (Pak Li's Kopitiam). Twas a big mistake as the lady ate.. well, alot. But the good news is; she didn't order her much loved cendol! Bravo!

Only later did the two ladies realise that they were ladies of leisure. Fuck the tiring jogs and endless exercise routines. Some rest and relaxation was in order! So rest and relax they did. In a proper country club at that! Saunas, facials and hair treatments. Ahhh... Just the type of beautification the lady likes :)

Royal appreciations to the duchess for such a -much needed- relaxing day.

Saya pandai bertutur dalam bahasa-lah!

"Why don't you blog in Bahasa? Why, our language not good enough for ya?? Stop being such a snob. You know you already look like one, don't act like it too."

*Dush!*
(that shall be the sound of my fist on the cretin's jaw)


*Praak!*
(that shall be the [satisfying] sound of the cretin's jaw breaking)


Alas, all I could manage was to merely imagine destroying the cretin's weirdly formed head.
Damnit. If only it were that easy.. :(
Thank your lucky stars that I'm a better person than you. Dickhead.

Of course, I didn't waste my precious energy explaining myself to the creature.'It' wont be persuaded even when given indisputable logic. I pray to god that I do not have to talk to such a creature EVER again. Uggh..


YOU are shallow. Your views. Your thoughts. Your judgements. I do not need them.


Just because a person writes in English doesn't mean that any other language is beneath them. Heck, I love my country AND it's legacy (which -for the dimwit's information-, includes our language). I speak the language every fucking day and not once have I ever thought that those who speak the language is beneath me and/or uneducated.

As a writer, I thank you for making time to read what I write, but if you think you know me just because you read my posts, think again! So don't judge me so quickly.

I do not write in Bahasa due to the simple fact that I'm not very good with exprssing the going-ons in my head in the language. Oh well, that and also the little fact that my Bahasa sucks. As Mr Books says, my Bahasa is "lebih teruk dari air sampah". *Sigh* Hina sungguh~

Even the boyfriend laughs and points out my obvious -on the borderline of idiotic- mistakes. It has come to a point where he's so used to my fumbles with the language that he can now understand what I'm trying to say even if I say it wrong. My own brand of Bahasa. Heh.

I know I may be bad in Bahasa, but I'm working on it. Who knows? Maybe I'll be able to even write a decent post in Bahasa- without making a total idiot of myself! (One day~)

Negative review

I haven't even left the island yet. But no matter, I've passed my verdict. And it ain't good. I guess this place is just not my cup of tea :(

No offence, but I honestly think I wouldn't survive if I have to permanently stay here. Too many of my personal pet peeves condensed in one place.

1. The place is too crowded. Everywhere I go, there's a throng of people. I don't understand why though because..

2. This place has nothing out of the ordinary.
Shopping? KL is waaay better in terms of variety- plus they jack-up the prices here. Their malls, one word: barren.


(I do not understand what they come here for. There's only around 10 shops open in the whole mall. And please note that this was taken at 9.00 p.m. not closing hours. Even their boutiques are grossly over rated. Apa ni??)

Food? Ehh.. Nothing unobtainable in Shah Alam. Haven't had anything orgasm inducing yet.
Beaches? Although (I have to admit) cleaner then those in Selangor and most in Negeri Sembilan, it's still not in the so-irresistible-wanna-splish-splash category.

3. You can never go anywhere without a horrendous traffic jam. It doesn't really matter if you need to go out in the afternoon or in the dead of night, the jams will be there- waiting for you! It's probably due to the really narrow roads + people parking on the road's shoulders + goddamn traffic lights every 100m + insane amount of cars. Total disaster. Even the prospect of going out makes me tired..


(Twas taken at 10.40 p.m. and yet there's STILL traffic jams. *Sigh* This rinky-dink road is supposed to be a two-way road. Exactly how that'll work without the cars scraping against each other is beyond me.)

4. There's NO parking spaces! One would imagine a place so congested with cars would have loads of car parks. But Nooo.. If you've been to Gurney Drive, you'd know what I mean. Where the fuck do you park there?? Even the locals resort to parking on the roadsides. Naturally, I follow suit, and was rewarded with a big fat fine. Only later did I find out that Gurney Drive is one of the po-po's fav spots to get extra cash. (Tip for you!) Fucker.

In my defense, I did try to enjoy the place. I tried to immerse myself in the history. I even went looking for the bloody museum of arts that's supposed to be here. But all attempts failed as there was nothing interesting to see/learn. Darn.

Oh, and I think I'm allergic to something.. I'm guessing it must the the shellfish I've been eating. Damnit! Here comes the ugly angry red rashes. And they itch like hell too. Damn you rashes (and allergies)!!!

Plus, I miss the boyfriend. Badly. My previous theory was indeed bullshit.

Road trip anyone?

I 've finally managed to dig up this clip from my play list.
Ahh~ The memories it brings..



Hands down, the best rendition of 'bittersweet symphony'- sorry Limpbizkit, coldplay, etc.. You guys just can't cut it like The Verve can. This one is a classic in my book.

Plus, Ashcroft in this vid is positively yummy. We can make sweet symphony anytime baby.. (Ha! Perasan!) Never mind the fact that the band was formed right around the time I was born or that this vid is considered ancient in pop-age- He still rocks my world!

Come to think of it, I tend to fall for guys like these. Tall, lanky, skinny, and a lil bit dishevelled.. *melt* Mmm.. Kinda reminds me of the boyfriend. *Wink2* ;)

On a random note; Where the hell did I put 'Cruel Intentions'? This OST totally reminded me of that movie- which was really not that bad. It certainly had it's good points. And, (Spoiler alert!) it's one of the few movies with unhappy endings (The hero kicks the bucket) that leaves you feeling satisfied.

Hmm.. Finding it might be a lost cause. It's probably buried amongst the humongous piles of discarded CDs in the house. I would've downloaded the damn thing if not for the fact that I've been trying to download 'An Education' for the past week! Since it was released in November, Still no seeds. Damnit!

Funny how they screen fucking 'District 9' and not real good movies. I still do not understand how Malaysia's boards pick and pass movies. They're a disaster. FYI, next time please don't cut critical parts of the movies which will surely confuse and frustrate the viewers. We goddamn paid for the entertainment. Thankyou.

***

Since I shall be leaving for the sandy (and hopefully clean) beaches of Penang, I'm squeezing in as much time with the boyfriend as possible. I'm trying to compress almost a week without him into a single day.

Based on my theory, that way I can enjoy the sandy beaches without terribly missing him. It sounds like an idiotic theory, but that's all I have for now. Hope based on idiocy is much better then nothing at all right?

I think he's gonna take me on a road trip.

I wonder what shenanigans we'll get into this time :)

Due deliverance

Today was a roller coaster ride- to say the least.

But first and foremost, I dub my last post as angst ridden. It simply took me time and a lil bit of re-reading to realise that it was unfair of me to be so rebellious. Especially since they DO love me- in their own sick and twisted ways..

Twas something that I wrote in the 'heat of the moment' and for a while there, I let my juvenile emotions get in the way. Not very sophisticated, I know. Ergo, it is not to be taken seriously. I call it mere ranting.

The fact is; I love and adore my family- though there might be moments when I could just strangle/beat/trample/etc. them to death- I still love and adore them.
*sigh*
Is that really a blessing or a curse??

Anyways, since my results were due, I'd figure it's better to mend the proverbial dam before the huge torrents of water (ie, my horrible results) hits. Turns out that it just took alot of talking (note: some debating skills were handy too).
Now, *Ta-da~* I can go out more often, although I could not get them to lift my curfews. *Sigh* Oh well, I'll take what I can get.

For now.

Rabbit hole

Have gone a full fucking day without setting foot outdoors. And I bloody hate it. It's like being imprisoned in your own home. I cant even go out for dinner! It's just 2 measly hours for god's sake! I am so over this.

I know my parents don't like me going out, but this is getting ridiculous. I'm not 18 anymore- which I might add, is when most parents would 'let go'. but oh~ not mine. If anything, they're tightening the reigns. I know they 'might' do it because they love me but I'm suffocating here!

Don't do this. Don't do that. Do it like this, don't do it like that.
Aggh! Can you hear my restraints snap??

I'm being molded into a replica of what they think I should be. If it were up to them, I'd be a domestic goddess without a single bit of wit in me. I'd be sickly sweet and definitely boring.
Urgh!

And I'm not even mooching off their money. I don't go off gallivanting only to come home and ask for more money. I just go. And come back as if I've never gone anywhere in the first place. Anyways it's not like we spend 'family time'. I'm not missing anything. My brother goes on-line to play DOTA all day, while my parents stay in their room, in front of the TV after they get home. That leaves me, rotting away.

I know now why studying away from home is a good thing. The whole 'It teaches you to be independent' is only part of the whole shebang. It gives you room to explore. Build who you REALLY are. Being in the same University as your mother is NOT a good thing. Imagine every slip up reported. Every move watched. It's enough to make you go crazy.

I need my own space.

Please, take me away.

Bad romance, indeed.

Bestie: Shit. You just ain't got it in you, huh?
Me: *Shrug*
Bestie: You suck.

In this case, Yes I do.

It's not that I hate romance. I'm just... bad at it. It's not like I had any experiences with this kind of thingamajigs anyways. It's my first time celebrating a boyfriend's birthday for god's sake.

*Sigh*
Even while writing it down, it sounds sad. Almost 20 years and not 1 birthday? Boo to me. Anyway, I tried to make a list of potential gifts. When I finally wrote down 'external', the bestie finally stoped me. Seeing my hopeless state, the bestie bestowed upon herself the duty to make me an 'acceptable romancer' (whatever the fuck that means..) Apparently, an external isn't very 'romantic'. Ha.

So off I go in search of romance. (Haha!)

We went all the way to KL to do this. Naturally, we got lost. It had to happen la.

2 clueless people + winding KL roads + bad traffic - GPS device = Sesat 2 jam.

Despite all that, we managed to get a huge ass bear for him. Hmm.. am not very sure if he'll like it, but whatdaheck. As long as it's 'romantic'. The bestie says it's a perfect gift since it's as huge as I am. Harhar. But I liked it too. Since it's soft and fluffy :) Zzzzz....

Happy B'day darlin'. I love you.

Throw down/ Show down

As I move my feet towards your body
I can hear this beat
it fills my head up And gets louder and louder

Even when live, she sounds fucking awesome.
She reminds me of The Cranberries mashed with Metric. (pun not intended)
Their album is worth every penny. *Drool*
I'll dole out massive cash just to see her.
However chances that she'll actually make it to Good ol' M'sia is a million to one.

Fuck me.

***

Went to (yet) another wedding. On the boyfriend's birthday no less!
(I just cant get a fucking break now can I?!)
Sheesh.

Just barely stoped myself from tearing my hair out from having to be plastic and in such close proximity with somebody that I'm (currently) frustrated with.

Since I had to conform to what was expected of me, I was quite obviously upset. If I could breathe fire, I would. I HATE being what I'm not. I hate being told how to carry myself. Leave me the fuck alone.

Ergo, the perfect dinner partner for me would be somebody who doesn't say a thing- Which leaves only the baby. Thank god he can't talk yet. He just cried the whole time. To me, that's way better then speaking. At least it's an honest emotion. Way easier to handle.
Bloody adults and their manipulating ways.

As promised, Here's a pic. Albeit a lil Grumpy, teary-eyed and in the dark.

Thanks for being grumpy with me lil man :)

I shall decline to post a pic of myself this time as I was forced to obey ghastly fashion advise (threats more like it!). And since I look like a mik cik wearing a goddamn burly sack already, I'd figure no amount of kick ass make-up will make it any better. So I went to the wedding sans make-up. (Why waste perfectly good make up right??) By the end of the first course, my face was reflecting light like a beacon.

Angry me + horrifying clothes - make up = Banshee
(mak cik version. Not hot death siren.)

Fuck.

Cosmic iniquity

"Life is seldom fair" He says.
Stroking my hair, holding me close while I wept. Sensing my fears.

God, I miss him.

Fuck you, fate.

Darlin', twas wasn't an easy decision to make. Months of sleepless nights knowing that the happiness will not last- was the cruelest punishment of all.

True, I may be a pessimist of sorts, but I'm also being realistic. You being there to see me fall will only hurt you. Especially when you're powerless to do anything about it. I should know, I go through it almost on a daily basis. Watching the person you love slowly but surely whiter away ebbs your soul.

And I never want you to have to experience that unnecessarily. I promised myself that I shall protect you from that pain- while I can.

But even as I write this, I know that you'll never listen to me. I know that you have your own resolves. Knowing that you won't abandon me while I sink like the great Titanic is bittersweet. I love you all the more for willingly going down with me yet I condemn you for a fool for not saving yourself. Especially when we both know you deserve so much better.

I'm not trying to push you away. We both know that I love you too damned much for me to do so. There were times when I wanted to be totally selfish- more times then I would care to even admit. God, I wanted it so bad. To not care about your feelings and drag you down with me anyway. If you only knew.. Then you'd know how much I don't wanna go.

Fate's a bitch. Life's unfair. I know.

So please think of this as my last desperate attempt to make things right.

Mama Do(n't)

Had our family dinner today and FINALLY got to see my new lil nephew! The last time I saw him, he was 2 weeks old. Too fragile. Now at 7 months, he's cheeks are perfect for pinching- Hard.
Muahahaha!!!
(Can't help it, He's so damned cute. It runs in the family. Ha!)

Unfortunately I forgot to take a picture of him to prove to you all of his overwhelming 'cuteness'. *Dush!* Flying kick muka sendiri.
Maybe next time.

Anyway, in the middle of dinner, the baby starts to get uneasy. So since I'm SUPPOSED to be on a diet, I offer to take him for a walk around the mall.

BIG mistake.

People started stopping me to coo at the baby. That's understandable since he's so cute. But what they said next was so venomous, I was seriously tempted to punch their lights out.

1st person: "Wah! What an adorable baby. Congratulations to you!"

I was in a state of shock! What the fuck is THAT supposed to mean??! Do I look like I had a baby??! However, I disregarded the whole thing and convinced myself that the person is an idiot.

2nd person: "Such a beautiful child! You must be very proud. It's tough being a mother."

I was Gobsmacked. Completely and utterly speechless. motherfucker. Do I look like the mother?? Damn, if I had my own baby now, it'll die within a week! (No joke!)

And more importantly, how can these nimbwits mistake me for a person who's (Godforbid!) married and has a (Gasp!) child?? I do NOT look that old. Thankyouverymuch

To avoid yet another similar accouter, I dash back to T.G.I.F. At that point I was ready to put the baby down and do something so recklessly stupid, only the young will dare to do such a thing. (I was teetering on the brink here!)

But before I could get to my salvation, the doorman at T.G.I.F. opened the door for me and says

"Welcome, MADAM. May I get a baby chair for your child?"

I bet I had the look of a hungry Lochness monster because the guy automatically backed off. Dickhead. Thank your lucky stars that I'm holding a baby in my arms- and I wanted to set a good example for him. Otherwise, I would've kicked your nuts for that comment!

Next time, we shall have dinner elsewhere. Preferably somewhere where people have brains.

Kick with a fist

I lost two of my gold rings. I don't know where they went.

I am so dead. *Bash head on wall*

Mom will definitely kill me on the spot if I don't find them soon since it's worth my annual allowance. Damnit. I am in SO much trouble. Please, ~PLEASE~ do not take away my much needed allowance.

I am desperate. NEED. TO. FIND.THEM.

After wreaking havoc in the house (absolutely NOTHING is left unchecked!), I am now totally convinced that they have Bermuda Triangulated. *Poof!* Gone.
Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.

Ergo, if you hear a distant eerie scream, please know that it's me- possibly being strangled to death very violently (like how Homer Simpson strangles Bart). Thy are invited to my funeral if that really happens. Serves me right for my obvious stupidity. How on earth could I have misplaced such an important item??! Grr.. Padan sama muka sendiri.

Am currently hoping that it'll magically pop up somewhere. Kinda naive, but finger's crossed anyways.

***
Am watching Arsengal V. Chelsea.

We must win. Though I do not make it a habit to bet on football matches, much hangs in the balance of this one.

Bullying rights must be mine!

In the spirit of rudeness

The Raya hols was.. Blah. I can see it now, every raya will end up being mind numbingly boring with idiotic TV programs as our only escape- since the nearest city is a bloody 40 mins drive.

*Sigh*
How my dear cousin survived living there for most of her teenage life is beyond me.

***
I seem to be in the company of extremely rude people lately. And frankly, I'm getting quite pissed off with all the bullshit.

I've always believed in the theory of nice bringing fourth niceness. But really! Everybody has their limits.

1. Just because somebody isn't decked out in their finest and doesn't cake their face with 1 inch worth of make-up does not make them low-lives. Treating a person as if they're 'sampah masyarakat' just because they do not look up to par with your expectations does NOT make it okay. And to do so in public- loudly at that! Dickhead. And no, apology NOT accepted.

2. If you don't have the stuff to be in the service business, get another fucking job. Here's a tip, when people are nice enough to actually say please and thank you to you for your services- especially when they don't have to since they fucking PAY for your services anyway, know that we do it out of courtesy. Because lets face it, we all have shitty jobs. We're trying to give you a goddamn break. So don't go around telling your customers that your on your monthly PMS by slamming things around and looking like you have something smelling extremely unpleasant under your nose. It ain't attractive.

Am so over being nice. Have plastered a plastic smile on my lips for the whole day and am getting damned tired of it.

Fuck you.

Insanity Streak

I feel stupid. Idiotic on a whole new level. And definitely guilty.

When it comes to telling people how I feel, it has always been somewhat complicated. It's not that I don't feel. Because I do. But I prefer do it in private. I'm just not very comfortable letting my guard down. Even to the Bestie or boyfriend.

So when people asks if I'm okay, I'll always say that I'm fine. It's always easier to remain my stoic self than talk about it. I've had too many melt downs as it is thankyouverymuch.

Anyway, I can't even remember when was the last time any of my loved ones poured their heart out to me. It all seems so one sided. Sometimes it comes to a point that I simply feel guilty for putting them in such an awkward position. To force them to sit through my problems when theirs are so much more dire.

Simply put, I don't wanna burden them. Plus, I'm not quite ready to analyze this problem just yet.

So what if I seem a tad sad? Besides, I don't even think about it that often. Sometimes things do fade away.

And the little fibs I tell are for the best. I know some of you guys may not understand this. Especially those who I know would have helped me even if I didn't ask them to. I love you for always being there for me, so maybe someday. Regardless, I'm sorry I have to do this.

I choose the lesser evil for the greater good.

The fire that works

BOREDOM. Utter mind numbing boredom.

This is why I do not look forward to holidays. I'd rather not have any long holidays at all. Really. Laxer timetables for the whole year is much more preferable. 1 or 2 classes per day. Bliss.

Unfortunately, I'm not the bloody minister of higher education. Ergo, here I am. Stuck at home all day. Watching fucking bad rap music videos on MTV and stupid magic tricks on AXN.

***

To my immense annoyance, I've been getting all these hints that I should change. Change how I dress. How I carry myself. How I speak. In fact, maybe it's better if I don't speak my mind at all, since what's on my mind is seldom ever conventional.

I have to be 'like everybody else' but when I point out that in fact, I'm NOT that different then 'everybody else'. They do a 180 and say that I shouldn't peg myself to 'everybody else'.

???

What the fuck is THAT?! If you just really want me to be the way YOU want me to be, please atleast be frank about it. Don't take me for a goddamn fool and try to sugar coat it. It's fucking demeaning. I'm no idiot.

And I'll stay the way I am. Thankyouverymuch!

***

To make it worse, I miss the boyfriend. Badly.

I know he'll make everything go away. As he always does. And I cannot wait to see him after work.

I need my refresh button :)

Somewhere I belong

1. Put your music player on shuffle (ALL MUSIC).
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OK" YOU SAY:
How to save a life- The Fray.
(Hahaha.. This means that it's NOT ok.)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY ?
Mr. Brightside- The Killers
(LOL. Ironic much??)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
You belong with me- Taylor Swift
(No, I do NOT like to share my man! He's mine, and mine alone~)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
A beautiful lie- 30 seconds to mars.
(I did tell a lie today. Can't say it's beautiful though..)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Never lies- Lupe Fiasco ft. Mike Shinoda
(HAHA! Contradicting much??)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Little lovers so polite- Silver Pickups
(Ohhh.. I'm never polite as a lover~)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Everybody want's to be a cat- The Aristocats
(Hahahaha! Spot on! Meow~ Ramen!!!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Fading- Long View
(Now THAT sounds like me..)

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Falling for you- Long view
(a foursome?? whee~)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Taper Jean Girl- Kings of Leon
(You are as cool as this song babe!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Smile like you mean it- The killers
(I know he really means all his smiles for me. ~love bird mode~ Hahah.)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Slide- The Goo Goo Dolls
(Things slide into place. Love it!)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Away from the sun- Three Doors Down
(To another planet it is! Pluto, here I come!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Sex on fire- Kings of Leon
(Whoo.. Hot. hot! HOT!)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Attack- 30 Seconds from Mars
(The only thing I attack often is their wallets! Hohoho!)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Chew me up & Spit me out- Cobra Starship
(Good, the least romantic song I know.)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
The Kill- 30 seconds to Mars
(Hahahahahahahaha.. That's what you will hear from the ground. I shall be laughing at the absurdity of it all in my grave. thankyouverymuch!)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Hemorrhage- Fuel
(Ohh.. I do give that to people. Muahahaha!)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Kantoi- Zee Avi
(Kehkeh.. I'll never tell! Kan biawak??)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Apologies- Grace Potter
(Such a lovely song! And maybe I SHOULD apologise to more people.. Oh well, that's what Raya is for!)

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Burn- The cure
(I know.. Do not play with fire.)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Breaking the habit- Linkin Park
(Errk?? So I should just go on facebook all day for the rest of my life??)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Ironic- Alanis Morisette
(My whole life is goddamn ironic. I can't regret my whole life now can I?)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Plastic passion- The cure
(Plastic passions' a lover's nightmare~ Haha.)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
LSF (Lost souls forever)- Kasabian
(Sad indeed. However, I am a lost soul no longer!)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
My December- Linkin Park
(Gettin married in December is so cliche. Wait, does this mean I will actually get married??!)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Further- Long View
(No comment.)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
The Boys of Summer- The Ataris
(Hotter ones please..)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Never say never- The Fray
(Wow.. That's actually deep. Don't let me go~ )

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Somewhere I belong- Linkin park
(Fine. Whatever.)

I 'heart' kimchi pizza

Finally! Something interesting happened.

Youth Exchange Prog 09! (Hey, it's MUCH better then pushing papers all day. I think I have permanent scars from all the goddamn paper cuts!)

It started with yet another (sigh!) meeting..

1 picture= 1,000 words. Since meetings go pretty much the same every time, no extended explanation needed.

(Wasn't paying attention anyway..)

Kids from 14 korean universities came to pay a visit to universities all over the ASEAN countries.

1. I was so bloody jealous! They get to travel. For FREE!

2. They are going shopping tomorrow. Damn my mollah-less state. Need $$$

3. If it weren't for the fact that they ware so damn nice, I would've hated them all.

(And I've never seen such an energetic bunch of people. They're like energizer bunnies! All chirpy and cheery.)

As you guys can probably tell, the only one who refuses to join the 'peace' festivities is moi.

4. We even cooked for each other. yes people, I COOKED and nobody had to go to the hospital. Sheesh. I'm not THAT bad at it. though I did sustain light injuries, the oil didn't wanna cooperate with me. I should've used the wok's lid as a shield, but I really wanted to at least look like a domestic goddess. Heh.

Anyway, they made us kimchi pizza which is basically kimchi in a batter. I know.. Fermented veggies in a batter??? Sounds gross, but it was actually quite good.

See?? Proof that I can do it~

(However, please note that I used the stove nearest to the fire extinguisher. HaHa!)

5. These Korean girls have amazing bodies. Tall and slender. And they eat so little! Grr.. And I absolutely LOVE their outfits. I almost swooned for a cool black dress one of them were wearing. Unfortunately, you have to have a figure of a stick to actually look good in something like that. I would've looked like a rotting black pumpkin.

6. My boss made me wear a wedding dress. Unfortunately, I wasn't paid extra for it. Anyway, when else can I wear a Korean wedding gown, or any wedding gown for that matter. Will NOT happen- at least not with out a prenuptial agreement :)

What did I tell you? These Korean chicks are like fucking sticks with porcelain skin.

Another meeting tomorrow. (Sigh!) And since I have to have a report on it, I actually have to pay attention :(

Chubby-chub

It's official. I'm getting chubby-er. Damnit!

*Sigh* I knew all those late nite snacks and my monstrous appetite will get the better of me.

It's normal for first timer diners to go into shock when they see me eat. Heck, even Dura-D's Boyfriend got wide-eyed looking at my large bigmac set + sundae + fillet-o-fish fit in my tummy. And that was WITH due warning! All the food Bermuda triangulated in me. *Poof* Gone. Yes people, I eat like a bloody truck driver. Thank god the boyfriend got used to it by now and decided not to leave me despite the huge dinner bills he has to pay :)

I had always been somewhat comfortable with my weight. Hell, I know that I'll never be one of the 'skinny girls'. I love food too damned much to be one of 'em. But lately, I've been more subconscious about it.

Maybe it's because of the disturbing fact that my booty looks more compact in my jeans or the little comments people keep giving me like "Wah! Dah sehat sekarang, mesti sebab bahagia.." Whaddafuck is that?? So can you even blame me for being a tiny bit more paranoid about it? Hey, when it comes down to it I am STILL a GIRL.

Tsk..Tsk.. And a lil pointer for the lads out there. Unless you're 100% sure that the girl doesn't mind you criticizing her weight (and please note that these girls are EXTREMELY rare), then keep your mouth the fuck shut. Really. The only thing you'd do is hurt their feelings. Or worse, she'll hurt you. Never underestimate a girl. ESPECIALLY if she's in high heels. Anyway, didn't your mummies ever tell you that it's impolite to comment on a girl's weight? (This also applies for age)

Anyhow.. As amazing as it sounds, I'm trying my darnest to stick to a diet. *sigh* I do not think it's working. I had a Cornatto cone today, McD's strawberry sundae yesterday and Pak Li's cendol the day before that. I simply can't help it!

Huih... Fail!

Maybe it is my destiny to be the chubby-chub. *Pfft!*

Turn on: Diet and get skinny mode!!!

My Anak Ikan

Somebody tried to preach to us about 'the dangers of a guy who's alone with a woman'.

Preacher says;
"Kalau kucing jumpa ikan, dia makan ikan tu ke main guli?"

Ofcourse, he answered;
"Makan ikan..." (As expected of him)

But what he really wanted to say was;
"Kalau kucing tu gay, dia main guli la."

Hahahaha! And people still ask me why I'm with him!

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I now also know that I cannot boss him around.

The last time I tried, he burst out with a "I'm not an anak ikan!"

*Grins* I love doing that to him~
Que evil laugh; "Muahahaha!"

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'Tempat sejuk' and it's rides were absolutely mind blowing. :)
Twas worth the hassle. :)
Am still sore form all the fun. :)
Too bad it had to end. :(
But there will always be next time. :)

Words unsaid

Have you ever had a cup of coffee and sit by the shop's patio/huge-ass window alone?

To just sit there for hours and enjoy your own company?

I do. And I usually use this time to 'people watch'. Okay! It sounds super creepy, but it's actually not. It's amazing how you can realize the existence of life's simple little wonders when you actually take the time to SEE it.

As I have MADE all of you aware of (I'm sorry. I can't help it.), I'm totally in my Lovey-dovey mode. So when I see a couple right across me staring lovingly into each other's eyes (excuse the cliche), I go; "Awwhh.. That's SO cute." But after half an hour of it and NO talking whatsoever, I finally go "what the fuck is going on?? They can't be THAT in love with each other!"

Then, the guy starts to gesture. It took me about 15 seconds to finally figure out that he was using sign language. Which I did not expect since he spoke to the waiter. The girl gestured back. Ahh... It's the girl.

For some reason I find that wonderful. For two people with obvious barriers but in the end, get over it is not something common. I could imagine how hard it must be in the beginning. Props to the guy for seeing her inner beauty. The world needs more people like that.

They didn't talk much. Just a flurry of hand gestures and then they'll just look at each other for another 15 minutes. It was like a dance, they moved exactly in sync! (Again, excuse the cliche.) He seemed to know that she wanted to do and moved WITH her. When she wanted a drink, He'd let go of her hands. When she's done, they'll be right back in his.

It was wonderful just watching them. It's like a comfortable routine. It made me warm inside. And for that, I silently thank them. I know it seems silly, but at that moment I was actually happy for 2 complete strangers.

The world ain't so bad after all. :)

Miss smarty-pants

Exams are FINALLY over. Whee~

Last paper; Contracts.

What I did the night before the exam; Watch season 3 of The Big Bang Theory. (+.+)"

Ergo, this was how my final paper was;
Part A: "oh, okaay. I can do this.. I think."
Part B: "Eh? Can he get back his money? It's SO not fair if he can't. The law IS supposed to be fair right?? So my answer is YES! He can have his money back. Now, what section to use.."
Part C: "Hahaha... Why did the question use such a Malay name like Idris to be the character who's drunk?? Why not use western names like Nate?? *Grins* Uh-oh. Too many issues. What's the answering structure for this paper anyway?!"

Ha! Serves me right for ditching last minute studying efforts to go watch a fucking sitcom. (Albeit, a fucking good sitcom.)

Now, whatever my results shall turn out to be, I shall NOT get upset. I DID bring it upon myself.

Oh well...

At least I DID study for it. That makes me less of an idiot. (I hope)

It's not like I didn't care about my last paper. And it's sure as hell not an easy one either. But oddly, I find myself 'at peace' with it.

Que sera sera~

Me In Headlights

Who says exam week was supposed to be boring?

Life is fun when you make it fun. Or in my case, when you're totally reckless. (+.+)

Honestly, I've never experienced such different torrents of emotions in one night.

From Happy to weepy (Hey! I'm NOT a total ice queen. And It's NOT cute! Hurmp!) to complacent to almost-shit-my-pants-freaked-out to totally excited and to bummed.

I could have lost everything. The proverbial shit hits the fan, if you may. But it felt so damn good when we got away.. Now I totally understand the intoxication Bonnie had over Clyde.

And only one person can drive me to such extent. *Wink2* Now I shall reaffirm my stand; I'd rather be with a man who's streetsmart then one who is only booksmart (asking for both in one man shall be too selfish) because I don't think a booksmart man would've got us off the hook that easily.

Unfortunately (for ya'all) I shall be bribed to never tell about my little exploits. Too bad. But I'm sure the bribe shall be waaay better than the satisfaction of telling a good story. Hehehehe..

So I shall wait in anticipation of what you can do to make me feel oh-so-bribed. I told you that you should totally be a policeman! See how good you are at IT? Even now. By the time you're 40, You can be a fucking legend~ And I shall be your queen. Ha!

Chasing Uniformity

Someone I respect very much once said;

"The right to believe also includes the right not to believe."

And I for one, couldn't agree more.

What is it that makes us so negative about another? Think about it. Why did the Nazi hate the Jews so much when the Jews have done nothing to the Germans? Why is it that some Malays hate the Chinese/Indians and vise versa? Aren't we supposed to be the same?

The difference between us is simple. It's what we believe in.

The Nazi believed that the Jews were taking away what they felt is their right. The Malays think and have different cultures from the non-malays. So since we are not exactly the same, we do not trust them. We think that we're oh-so different form them. And worse, because of some random difference we may think we're even better than they are.

I've read an interesting post the other day. It was by a guy who was blasting off about how 'stupid' (his words, not mine) this girl was for hating Alaf 21 books. Apparently, she says that anybody who reads em' are 'idiots' but he says otherwise and states that SHE's the idiot. He even put her blog's link in the post to prove how 'narrow minded' she was.

Tsk. Tsk. See what I mean?

I used to like following his blog, now I just feel that he's bland. Pity, he did put in some very convincing points (as he always does). But when it comes down to it, he was just as bad as the girl. He did exactly what the girl did; to mock those who do not believe in the same things as you do. Sorry man, you've just lost my respect.

As for myself, I must say I do not enjoy reading Alaf 21 books. I think they're too mushy and unrealistically dramatic. But then again, I have read some in the past. So does that make me an idiot? I think not. And as for those who're firm fans of the books, never think you're foolish either. Everybody has their own escapism.

Being firm in what you believe in is not wrong. But if you make it public, just be sure that you're also impartial to what others believe in.

Remember, you are not Hitler. Back off! And leave everyone else the fuck alone.

I promise I'll run away with you

It's 2 freakin' a.m.

Finals is in 2 days.

JPA is givin me shit. (Note to self, settle that ASAP!)

And I have a contracts assgnment due.

Hence, I'm supposed to be on my semester meltdown mode. It's the mode I'm in when the finals are near- panik + PMS tak tentu pasal je. (-.-)"

But fortunately for me, this year I have my very own 'refresh button'. All I have to do is ask and it'll do it's magic. And suffice to say that what it does to me is (Heh.) magical~

Again, we travelled to our 'tempat sejuk' (Hahaha). Twas an educational experience indeed as I discovered 3 very important tidbits for future references:

1) Never leave the planning to him. Oh, I still love you very much darlin', but you simply cannot be trusted to make plans that is.. Ermm.. actually PLANNED. Ironically, that's what I like about you. Anyway, this is why you have ME. So next time, give me the vague info and leave the planning to me kay? And don't worry, you are still welcomed to pay :)

2) There are some traits of the male species that cannot be changed- even with years of evolution. And this trait happens to be the I-do-not-ask-questions trait. Haihh.. So instead of asking what's going on, my much loved man charges ahead. Only to be trounced by a dead end. Tsk-tsk.. Not to worry darlin' I'm not bullying you, and it's definitely NOT just you. I'm referring to the majority male species. You just happen to strengthen my belief.

3) Now THIS refers to only you. I can bet that you will NEVER eat your veggies willingly. I can honestly imagine you being scolded together with your future kids by your future wife to eat your veggies! And please don't say that you'll change when you get married, my dad used the very same propaganda! Tak ubah-ubah puuun~

*Please note how he would painstakingly use the sundae spoon to scoop out all of his veggies and put it safely in the sundae cover so that the pesky veggies wouldn't disturb his dining experience.

**Still can't post a debut pic of him as he had once again refused my request. (Sigh~)

However, despite learning these new facts about you.

I would still run away with you simply because I love you. (Public declaration ni!) Hihihi...

The road not taken together

Above anybody else, I came to you for comfort. When no parent nor boyfriend can possibly understand my plight, you'd ALWAYS be there. My life line. Keeping my head above the water. You were the only one who gave me rude awakenings, but minus the pain and humiliation. For all of the shit you've pulled me out of and all the hardships you've gone through to protect me, I shall be eternally grateful. You are one of the people in my life who's never exchangeable.
And it gives me comfort that I was that someone to you too.

It's funny how studying in different states had never weakened our bond but when we are so close to each other, we tend to fade away. No, we never fight. Ever. We still care for each other- or at least I still do. I guess we just.. drifted. Too damn busy with our own little lives. Had I been the one to let this happened? I honestly don't know..

How did it become THIS bad? To a point where I have to find out that something is so obviously hurting you through fucking facebook??? Since when was it not me who you ran to when in pain?
Maybe it was my fault. Come to think of it, you did give me a few S.O.S signals. Maybe I was just too bloody self centered to realize it. And for that and everything else, I'm sorry.

I can confidently say that not many people have what we have. And I'll be damned to let it go.

So come back anytime you want.

I shall be waiting with open arms.

Yes/No/Maybe

Today, I was approached by a man who wailed;

Why issit when women say YES it really means NO?!
Why issit when women say NO it really means YES?!

Why can't women give bloody straight answers??!
(Grumble..grumble..grumble..)

Ahh~ The mysteries of the female mind..

Actually dear gentle readers, the female mind ain't as complicated as it seems. Just put in a little logic and due notice on little things such as her body language and her tone of voice, and Hey Presto! You'll find out what she Really means.

But be warned! You men may not like the truth.


Confused?? Well, it'll be my pleasure to explain it in excruciating detail. Oh, and not to worry on the credibility of my answers.. All my explanations shall be backed-up by cases ;)


Reasons why women do not say what they really mean;

1. We do not want to hurt the male's gentle -albeit gigantic- ego.
   
   Ladies, we walk a very delicate tight rope. Most of the time, to say what we really mean requires us to say that the male (in one way or the other) is WRONG. *Sigh* And we all know how tedious a task that is.. The darn fact is, most men do not like to be proven wrong- Especially by the fairer sex. Therefore, most women prefer to just let it go and give up before the proverbial volcano explodes-although you STILL do not agree with him.
   
   Case 1**:
   A couple is getting ready to go out for dinner. They are late. The male- inspired by the new Dragon Ball movie, decides to sport the 'Goku' hairstyle. He has been a great fan since his childhood and declares the show/manga (and all it's characters- including the old man in the tortoise shell) as cooler then cool. The female knows that he genuinely thinks that it's cool, although he DOES look like an electrified hairy monkey. So when he asks her what she thinks of the style, she opts for preserving his ego (and also a potentially long dispute over how cool Goku is) and says "Yes, it's nice". See my point?
   
   
2. We do not want to portray ourselves as (a) Control Queens, (b) Gold Diggers, (c) Demanding or (d) All of the above.
   
   This usually applies to monetary and property matters. The males are said to be the 'one who wears the pants' in a relationship and that includes sorting out the couple's accounts- or lack thereof. For some odd reason, women fear that the males might categorize them in the above categories if they reveal their material needs. Please note that sometimes the females might be overly paranoid (I'm being impartial here). However, most males tend to subconsciously have negative feelings when pressured into providing more than what they had expected.
   
   Case 2**:
   When looking for a potential house- and actually finding one within their needs, the man may ask;
   Man: So, what do you think of the house?
   (What the women really thinks: The kitchen is too small and why on earth is the master bedroom window facing a goddamn wall??) But..
   Woman: Yes, It's nice.
   They buy the house, end of story. BUT had she said what she really felt, wouldn't the words stated above pop into mind??
   
   
3. We expect the males to actually UNDERSTAND what we really mean.
   
   Ahh.. Well, this point may be purely our fault. Because really! What ninnyhead expects males to understand what she saying 100% of the time?? Ladies, THIS may be your downfall. If it is EXTREMELY important, DO NOT hesitate on spelling out what you think!
   
   Case 3**:
   Man: Syg, may I go drag racing tonight?
   Woman: (Long pause) Sure, It's up to you. (Voice short and crisp)
   So the man goes out and does cool Tokyo drift moves. But suddenly!! He loses control and crashes into a log. He'd dislocated his shoulders. When he calls the woman from the emergency room, she doesn't pick up. Clearly, dia sudah merajuk~ And you wonder, why la wanna merajuk?? She said she was fine with him racing. Ayoo bro, Look at your shoulder la. Si Bongok.

BUT not all Males are like so. There ARE a minority of bearable men out there who can actually understand women- if not all of the time, then at least most. Ladies, if you are in possession of one, shackle him down. NOW!

**Cases are based on true accounts.

The Lizard Roars

I'm in trouble.

Yes, I know, my dear friends did warn me of what I'm changing into. (Please stop the goddamn I-told-you-so treatment already!)

I'm mellow-er you say? (Btw, is that even a word??)

Needless to say, when I was given the comment, I went into deny, deny, DENY mode. Coz really! ME? Mellow?? Puh-leez~

So twas a smack in the face when I was given the evidence;

1. My playlist has totally evolved. Gone was the days of kick ass rock n roll. I'm now listening to the likes of Snow petrol, Coldplay, Goo Goo Dolls and Lifehouse. Holy crap! And I didn't even realise that I've been putting them on loop!
2. I (annoyingly) tend to blurt out sugar coated and shockingly optimistic crap -Trust me, twas unintentional!
3. I'm now allowing myself to build castles in the sky. I dream of the future and actually expect it to be fine and dandy. Motherfucker! I'm going nuts!

At this rate, pretty soon I'll be prancing around in a fluffy pink tutu sprinkling fucking fairy dust.

I. NEED. PROFESSIONAL. HELP.


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I love having coffee with him in the morning.

It helps alot since he snores like he's trying to roar.

But I love you anyways~

Currents of the lake

'They' say that that in order to have what you crave for the most, a leap of faith is in order.

'They' say believe in your cause, and you shall have your reward.

It will come if you open yourself to the possibilities.


Oh, we all hear what 'they' say. We all see the hope 'they' try to instill. But what 'they' forgot to mention was what happens if you take a leap of faith and not land where you want to. If you believe in your cause but the reward you have been waiting for never comes. If you open yourself to the endless possibilities and end up vulnerable to all the pains in the world.

Yes, I do admit that I'd like to believe what 'they' say. We're all humans after all, we all want happiness. And if we can't have that, then even the idea of it will do.. sad isn't it?


For years I've been a firm believer that NOT listening to 'them' shall keep me safe. No fucking leaps of faith and openness for me! It will only leave you weak. And I despise being so.

But for some odd reason, I let myself take the biggest leap of faith there is. And expose myself to the worst kinds of hurt and pain imaginable.

I must have been out of my mind.

High in the heat of the moment.

But damn it, I wanted to know what it feels like to let your happiness hang in the balance of another person. To stop building walls and actually believe that a person can take a part of my soul and actually keep it safe from harm.


"Are you sure you won't regret this?"

How am I supposed to be absolutely sure? I may, maybe. But for now, I don't.

I'm never the type to build castles in the sky. I know what may happen eventually. It may take a year, maybe even 5. I'm not sure..

But what I AM sure about is that no matter what happens to us, regardless of how it ends. Part of me shall always be yours. It may be forgotten and discarded over time, how you keep it is up to you. But I know that the significance of what had happened will never fade for me. One day I might crave for that part of me again but I also know that I shall never have it back.

This is my leap of faith.

The hand that wields the murder weapon

Keeping good things in my life isn't (and never will be) easy. Maybe I'm over blowing what's going on in my own life. Unaware that maybe- just maybe, others may face similar problems too.

Oh well, I know I'm one self centered brat.

But it's all good now.

Maybe my expiry theory is bullshit after all. Though I was totally convinced that he was gonna call it quits. Huh. It goes to show that just because you've been through almost a dozen fucking relationships with the same goddamn ending, it DOESN'T make you an expert on the subject.. Or maybe it does. But this time I swear I wont complain if he proves me wrong.

Because regardless of the fact that I may joke about looking forward to getting married to a host of different men after the expiry date, I really don't want to have love and lost so frequently.
There's only so much a girl can take before giving up.

Plus, I'm trying to sound less jaded and more accepting of life's "magic". Is it working??

Shovel in one hand, Hope in the other

Is it really taboo to dwell on one's mortality? I mean, should we just believe what we are told and just hope that heaven and hell exists? And that's where we'll all be when we die?

Have you ever tried to remember anything about yourself before you were born? I have. And it was empty. No feelings or vague memories. Just blankness. That's when a thought struck me, maybe when we die we'll just be gone. No afterlife, no reincarnation or any of that shit. We'll just cease to exist.

Have you ever wondered why the word 'afterlife' exists but not the word 'beforelife'? Isn't it supposed to be the same? we were not alive both of the time, but just because we feel now, we assume that we'll continue to feel, even after death. Do you know what that means? It's just the same as the concept of immortality -something that we humans have always craved for but will never have. We humans are afraid. Afraid of dieing and not feeling anymore. So we let ourselves believe that we'll continue to 'live' even after we die. It may be a good life in heaven or a bad one in hell, but it's still living. And this, my dear friends is why the concept of simply not existing anymore repels us humans.

As a muslim, I may be committing a great sin for over analysing this. I'm almost afraid that I'll be struck by lightning for just thinking about it. But I'm just.. curious.

Sometimes ceasing to exist is not such a bad thing.

Fields of dancing daffodils

I've been subjected to 'neverland parenting' all my life. To those unfamiliar with my term, it's where parents fill their child's head with dreams of castles in the sky, magical unicorns and the fabled happily ever after. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and shall lay down my life for them if needed, regardless of their parenting methods. But I fear that the objective of this particular parenting methods has backfired, miserably.


"What happened to you to make you think of life this way?" Surprisingly, twas not a complaint nor an accusation form dear daddy. It was a painfully simple question, one with a resigned tone. As if he accepts the fact that I'm this way, but maybe (like me) he just needs reasons. Frankly, the question startled me. When indeed did I turn into this sarcastic-pessimist and occasionally mean-spirited person? I've never really noticed how obviously pessimistic I am. I was told I was not always like this by the older ones. Some even joked that I've grown drastically sombre over the years. So much so that I've even surpassed them. Huh.


Till this day, I haven't answered his question.. Not even in an attempt to make him fell better, simply because I have no idea what to say. I'm sure it must be a result of some incident or even a series of events. But god help me, I cant pin-point it. This is how I've always remembered myself. How the hell am I supposed to find a 'before' and 'after' me anyway??



I shall not deny that the memories of yesteryear are still oh, so sweet. The nights we spent sneaking out of the house to the nearest playground just for a few minutes on the swings was one of the brightest and happiest I have. You'd push me as high as it would go when other parents would shudder and yell for their kids to stop. And on every visit you'd remind me that if I go high enough, I can be one with the skies. When I'm there, I'm free and nothing can touch me. Even as a child, I understood that it was one of the best and most craved after feeling there is in the world; to be untouchable.


Silly as it is, I believed every word because it actually felt like it was true. I felt the carefree freedom then, and still do now -sometimes. Maybe I'm not so jaded after all? Maybe that's why I'll suddenly find myself in random playgrounds when I needed reassurance that the world ain't that bad. As always, I'll go in the middle of the night. As always, alone.

After over a decade, the old playground came into my mind. Since I'm so fucked up now, what better place to get that carefree feeling again then the place where I first experienced it??

But the place was not as I remembered it to be. Oh, my imagination didn't play tricks on me, I remember things well. with excruciating detail even. I could've sworn that there was a cool tennis court in the background, complete with nets and a cage. Now all that's left is a slab of concrete amidst overgrown grass. The monkey bars which used to gleam now looked like a death trap with parts of it so eroded that it looks like it'll collapse in any minute. And not forgetting the swings. My fav swing is no longer, only a lone metal chain remains. But thankfully a swing in the other end of the playground was still intact. Though I did fear that the chains would snap with my fat ass on it, I went as high as it would go..

The place is now a dump, I shall never deny that. But it's MY dump. And bygod, the magic still remains. We're the same. This playground and I. Amidst the wear and tear, we both still have our spark.

Revamping, Again.

There comes a point in one's life where one wonders, whatthefuck is going on?? When one does not understand what one is feeling or even why one is feeling so.


This nagging feeling of hopelessness and loss is eating me up. I feel... unattached, alone somehow. And quite frankly I think I'm losing my marbles because I, of all people, should have the least reasons to feel so. It completely baffles me how I can be my composed self one minute and dissolve into a self-pitying sobbing mess in the other. I tell those who are dear to me that I'm fine. And to those who know me better than to believe my crap, I simply say I do not know why I'm not fine.

Technically, I'm not lying. I don't really know why I feel this way but I have a sinking feeling that I'll find out if I try to pry my feelings and re-open semi-healed wounds. My demons and sick mind works in horrific ways. Too much apart of me to discard completely. Too many have warned me that this'll be my undoing -and I do not doubt them. Having said that, it gets fucking annoying when I'm not able to leave things be. Regardless of its unfinished and uncertain state, because it shouldn't matter. I have such a beautiful life now. I should be able to leave it as it is. God believe me, I've tried.

I have a vague idea of how ugly things may get if I try to get to the bottom of this, but the prospect of having to stare at my worst fears right in the face, I have to cowardly admit, is something I am not yet ready to do.



Looking at other outlets to distract myself is (thankfully!) working. Though those outlets doesn't necessarily make sense to others, but it does to me -and as far as I'm concerned, that's all that matters. One of which was to chop my long locks off (to the dismay of the Bestie), There's just something liberating about it. Like I'm removing all the extra baggage, a chance start over. A new me, if you may. And as silly as this sounds, it made all the sense to me.

Self-destructing acts such as my bad (albeit underdeveloped) smoking habit is no more. After all the shit that has happened, I don't need to add another chronic disease into my list. Yes, I know it's harebrained to start and its just gonna make it worse but sometimes.. why don't just speed up the process? Ha. There I go again.. But still, am sticking to the new resolution!

I have too much to lose to start turning into a nut job now. More then I might care to admit actually. Finally, every aspect of my life is good, if not completely perfect. Now the hard part begins -maintaining it.

Happy Raya~ (Not)

The last day of Ramanthan, and we’re all squished in the car at 2 fucking a.m. Balik kampung. (read without merriment) I know exactly what’s in store for me. And I do not like it.


When it was time for sohor, we stopped at the highway’s R&R. There’s a KFC outlet there. Phew. Thinking that I’ll feast on my fav spicy chicken, I gladly wait in line. But when I got to the counter, (please note that the line was waaay long, I started at the fucking front door!) the cashier told me that they’re all out of chicken. Nothing at all. Not even nuggets! So what DO they sell you ask? NASI LEMAK. Plain, unappetising ones at that! In goddamn Styrofoam!! Wtf?? I’m tired, I’m hungry and I’ve just wasted 20 mins in line. At that point, I was seething. They didn’t even have the courtesy to tell those in line that they’re all out of chicken. Damn incompetent idiots.


We ended up buying nasi goreng in one of the pathetic stalls nearby. Have these people ever heard of quality?? *sigh* Apparently not. The taste was as bland as how it looks. But I ate anyway, beggars can’t be choosers. Plus, I would rather not engage in hard labour on an empty stomach, Thankyouverymuch.



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Twas worse that I thought. Sweeping and cooking, I could handle –although I detest it. But gardening -NO (the word is too gentle!) berkebun was a whole new ball game. I not only detest it, I HATE it with every fibre of my being.


If you happen to pass by, You’d see me toiling in gigantic patches of weeds and untamed flowering plants (if you can call it that, giant weeds with thorns is more like it!) My hands now have scratches and blisters all over them and there’s dirt under my fingernails that I just can’t seem to remove, no matter how hard I scrub. *Sigh* Oh, did I mention that I was also eaten alive by bugs? Huh, and I thought that we had supernyamoks at home. Here, they’ve evolved into megasupermyamoks! Damn them!


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A total of 2 families came by the big old mansion this year. TWO! And both did not present us with duit raya. Owh well, I didn’t expect they would anyway. But TWO visitors?? This is beyond sad. Especially after all the work we’ve put into making the old place presentable..


I wonder how bad it'll be next year.

Hols-er-riffic

I wish I had a refresh button. Yes, as in the one you have when you right click your mouse.

One click and hey, presto! Your back on top of your game! *Sigh* I have no idea why I feel so lethargic. It's just one of those days when you just feel down and out. Everyday it's the same old thing. I'm in a rut. And a very stressful rut at that!

I need to unwind, and I know exactly what to do to achieve that. Dear God, forgive me. (=.=)"



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The hols are here! Normally I would be psyched, no more classes for a week! But not getting to sleep in a proper bed for 4 days and a ton of cleaning to do is not a very jolly hols in my book.

*Sigh* Is it just me or is this year's Raya especially dull? It seems so boring this year. No preparations, no house full of relatives.. Heck, we don't even have goddamn raya cookies -we used to get those at least a week before raya. And since I'm 'all grown up' now, I have to toil in the kitchen (contrary to popular beliefs, not all women enjoy enslaving themselves over the hot-like-hell stove. I'd rather sit with the boys and watch the telly, thankyouverymuch!).

Unfortunately for me, the older female relatives (including dear mummy) will start saying annoying phrases like "Oh dear, if you cant stay in the kitchen, how on earth are you gonna get married?" My god. So kuno. I mean, what's the point of me cracking my head open at Uni if I'll just end up in the kitchen? I can cook just fine. No, don't laugh. I really can! Okay, so it ain't 5 star, but what does it matter?? That's what 5 star restaurants are for! And if I (ever do) get married, I'll make a point of warning my beau very early in the game. Fair right??

But god forbid I retort something on those lines! They'll just say I'm ignorant and/or rude. Then I'll surely get a tongue lashing from mummy later. *sigh* I just can't win can I?

Plus, a week and a half of hols with him back home is no fun. I know it's still early in the hols but knowing that it'll be that long just makes it worse. I miss him miserably already. Am currently thinking of ways to trick him into come back to me early. But then that means I'm taking him away from his dear family.. Haih, I hate it when I get guilty doing what I really want.

Am NOT looking forward to this..

Beware! Giant Panda On The Loose

One week till Raya. Can't fucking believe it!
No, I'm happy that the hols are coming up. The finals right after Raya, not so much. *Sigh*

I feel as if my brain has turned to mush and the darn thing refuses to receive any new law related knowledge. (Things non-law/academic on the other hand, I can remember! Damnit!)

It's like I have a 512 MB memory card and it's full! Jam! Dah takleh masuk lagi. (Bayangkan bas sial kat UiTM yang dah penuh ngan org [aka, information].. Masuk lagi!- yells the bus driver [a.k.a me]. Memag dah takleh masuk. What to do??)

Hish. I wonder how I can upgrade my memory to 8GiG..
Maybe I should start by getting off my lazy ass and start studying.

Yeah riiight. Easier said then done!


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On a totally random note;

I love that hat! The panda hat.
It makes me look like a panda.
A pretty darn cute panda at that! Ha!
Complete with a cute lil tail at the back..
Wee~

I have been spotted by random strangers twice wearing that hat.

The same reaction; shock. Then amusement/laughter.

Yeah, I spread the happiness! Hohoho... Eh, silap.. Selamat~ Hari Raya~

Mesti dapat pahala coz buat orang lain girang. Haha.

But most importantly, I love it as it kept my ears from freezing off.

(Note to self; next time make sure you know where you're going first. Ergo you'll wear appropriate clothes and not bloody shorts and sleeveless top to a high-altitude-freeze-your-ass-off place!)

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Am still frustrated. Grr...
Need.To.Study.
Up-grade!
Assignments not done, fuck.
No study week, double fuck!

To top it off, dah la belum shopping raya.

Sheesh!

Choking Back Puke and Blowing Smoke

Once again, my precious 4 day hols is down the drain..
Last week's loss was due to the bloody memorials. This week, it's mooting.
(T.T)

Well, at least it was worth it.
I say this just because we won (at least) something. Ha!
Our hard work was not in vain.

The first round was ridiculous. Yes, we're a bunch of lucky bastards to get away with that. Against the part 6s, with no experience and a memorial & bundle of authorities yang berkualiti sampah.

Yours truly was so nervous, I was (literally) on the verge of throwing up. Right in front of the bloody judge. Hmm.. With enough velocity, I think it'll HIT the judge. Cool. Ha!

Thank god they were late AND unprepared.
Ergo, our asses weren't whipped and as a lil tidbit, we actually won.

Yeah! Props to our sponsor, the lil man in the cupboards!

(Excuse us, have gone crazy due to the stress..)

Much needed ego booster in my part. After that we pretty much dah perasan bagus and rolled with it.

Then....

We got to the finals! (O.0)

The finalist!!!

Ha! Sape entah la yang ber"peace" kat belakang tu..

Twas more than I've ever expected. And since we had to switch sides from the respondents to the appellants for the finals, I knew that winning was really slim. Ok, Winning was outta the question. (hey, I'm being realistic here!) But whatever, Mooting is definitely more fun then writing the memorials. (Kantoi lah I'm one lazy ass) So we went into it kamikaze style!

Who cares if we win or lose? Either way, we won't go home empty handed.

Second place was good enough. Ojan even managed to bag the special mention award.

And I landed the best mooter award. Ngee~

*Do the victory dance* Woot!

Special thanks to Feaz who practically toiled with the team that day.

Best trainer yo!

Tengok la muka orang perasan bagus! Heh~

PS; Thank you to everybody who came and gave their support! You guys are the BEST.

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That night, celebration time!!!

Did my disappearing act and bergembira tahap tak sedar diri.

Twas a fun night as I got to bully the boyfriend until he squirmed. Ha! That's what you get for missing my mooting! Que evil laugh- Muahahaha!!!

Being his dictator self, he forbid me (yes ladies and gentlemen, FORBID me! Mana tah dia dapat kuasa! Grr..) from smoking. So as an alternative, he introduced me to shisha (is that how you spell it?? Whatever la..)

I have to say, it's better than nothing. The next best thing baby! Haha.

Anyway, Quote; "Its much safer than smoking"

Hmm.. If you say so..