This Shit has to STOP!

What the fuck did I do??!

Falling into another bout of my psycho kucar-kacir mood swings is NOT a good reason to turn to him. Again.

Last night I totally lost it. I SMSed him to tell him that I wanted to see him (macam hebat la cakap that I wanted to see him and assume he'll just come running) and gulped down all the sleepers I could find. Ten minutes later, I was out cold. The next morning Susah macam sial nak bangun! Not even the fucking long cold shower could sober me up.

He came right on time. But my state of mind was nowhere near cured. So I made him wait for me till I felt ready to go (which was almost an hour!). Then pretty much pretended to be happy.


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To cheer me up, he got me a ticket to watch Transformers2. It was a spur of the moment kinda thing but I have to admit, the lack of drama/plot and the continuous fighting/explosions/cool vehicles turning into kick-ass killing machines did me good. The movie didn't give me much room to think about anything else, good! (Except for food, I totally pigged out on the popcorn and the aunt Anne's pretzels that I've snuck in.) Fuck the diets! I know I'm getting damned fat.

Just 1 thing about the movie nags me.. What the hell happened to the twins? I mean, did they die in the end?? If they did, why didn't they show the audience how the big power-rangers-vacuum-like Decepticon kill them? Or if they didn't die, why didn't they stop the Decepticon from ripping up the pyramid to get to the suck-the-sun's-power machine? *Sigh* This is what happens if you incorporate logic into a flashy movie. *Groan* I sound like a goddamn geek! Stopping now. (but seriously, if somebody knows what happened, tell me!)


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On the way home, I lost it. Again. So like a fucking emo idiot, I cried in his car. Again. And he had to console me. Again. Poor guy. Why, oh WHY did I do that?? Stupid bitch. Agaknye dah menyampah nak mampos with my antics. I never even explained why I was in such a mess. Oh, I told him the same old story, with minor new twists, but never really explained. He just held my hand and let me be. In some weird way, it was just what I needed. Explaining it would've just shredded me into pieces.

Ramen's Retard Tag

01. Who was your last text from?
Ramen! She called me Syg and ordered me to sleep..

02. Where was your default picture taken?
Blog; Notting Hill. (During my summer course.)
FB; In class! (during Mr. Choi's lecture.)

03. Your relationship status?
Single! eh... open (non-existing?) relationship?? Its complicated!

04. Have you ever lost a close friend?
No. How lousy can you be to 'lose' a CLOSE FRIEND??

05. What is your current mood?
Bored.. That's why I'm doing this damned tag.

06. How many siblings do you have?
I'm an only child. Oh, wait... Forgot about the neglected brother.. Yeah, he exists. Sorry, my bad.

07. Whats your brother(s)/sister(s) names?
Munyet.

08. Where do you wish you were right now?
On the moon with my notty someone... 'Playing' in zero gravity. Crazyass cool weh!

09. Have a crazy side?
All my sides are crazy. That's the way u-huh, u-huh I like it! (dah x betol..)

10. Ever had a near death experience?
Does the REAL fear that my mom would kill me count?? If so then yeah, numerous times..

11. Something you do alot?
Sleep! And eat. It's pretty much ALL I do!

12. Angry at anyone?
No. I love everyone. Especially if I'm high. Love and peace yo!

13. What's stopping you from going for the person you like?
My galactic EGO! Call me old fashioned, but if you wan't me, make the first move.

14. When was the last time you cried?
When I thought the person I loved most would have to leave me.

15. Is there anyone you would do anything for?
Mummy, Daddy and.. uhh.. my munyet. Hahah..

16. What do you think about when you are falling asleep?
Nothing. If I'm thinking, I can never get any sleep. I have too many masalah dunia!

17. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Amalina. She wanted to come over and get the clothes she left in my room 2 years ago.

18. What is your favorite song?
Right now? Shut Me up by Mindless self indulgence. >.<"

19. What are you doing right now?
Answering this stupid tag, browsing FB, watching CNN and chatting with 2 different people. Ultimate multitasker! woot-woot! Ahaha..

20. Who do you trust right now?
With my inner feelings? Nobody. Remember this; "Never trust anyone, especially the people you admire. those are the ones who will make you suffer the worst blows." (Quoted from Zafon)

21. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
It's my mom's. When she was younger.. Recycle, think before you throw!

22. Have you kissed someone in the past week?
Yes, today. And the day before. And the day before...

23. Who is your best friend that lives closest to you?
Nurul Hidayah (machine) Gun!

24. Describe your life in one word?
Wonderful-tragic-enchanted-complicated-beautiful-weird. (hey, when you use hyphens it becomes one word. So betol la!)

25. Who are you thinking of right now?
Somebody who might be suitable for a newly single friend of mine. (male and cute. [though he doesn't like being called that] Who? Who?? Ahaha.. )

26. What should you be doing right now?
Sleeping. It's fucking 6.30 am! Up all night baby!

27. What are you listening to?
MTV. They're playing The Script's "Talk you down" now..

28. Who was the last person who gave you a hug?
Him! Mr. Ajaib-penyabar. Thank you, I needed that.

29. Who was the last person who yelled at you?
People don't yell at me. Ever. I yell at them.

30. Do you act differently around the person you like?
No. I just stay as my natural weird self and see if he still likes me after the meeting.

31. What is your natural hair color?
Purple! Oh, fine.. Jet Black.

32. Who was the last person to make you laugh?
Kuwe!!! Masok air together! Ahahaha..

33. Who was the last person to make you sad?
The person who I love most.

34. What do you hear?
The TV. MTV!

35. Is your hair curly or straight?
It's straight when I use the straightener and curly when I use the curling iron.

36. Has anyone ever called you "scrumptious" before?
Everyday honeyh! They call me delicious too.. ^.^

37. Do you have a best friend?
Yes. Doesn't everybody??

38. Held hands with the opposite sex in the past 3 days?
Yeah, sure, among other things..

39. Do you use smiley faces on the computer?
They're the ultimate way to express your feelings without words weh! Love them!

40. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Again. Yeah, sure, among other things..

41. Are you happy with life right now?
Define happy and I'll get back to you.

42. Are you currently jealous?
What for?? I have it made!

43. What jewelry are you currently wearing?
None! Zip! Nada!

44. What were you doing on Friday night?
Watched a movie and had a late night McD drive-tru snack. (Yeah, I know. Nanti gemok. So what?!)

45. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Once. But never again. Ever.

46. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Only once. (I hope..)

47. Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now?
No. Here's the trick; don't expect anything from anybody. Hereto, there will be no opportunity for you to be disappointed.

48. What was the last reason you went to the doctor for?
I had a common cold. Not H1N1 kay?!! Hahaha...

49. How late did you stay up last night and why?
I didn't sleep at all. I can sleep all I want when I'm dead right??

50. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
Ahahahahaha... NO.

The (Fake?) Fad

No matter where I go today, everybody's raving about the deaths of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.


Anyway, I was somewhat determined not to blog about them. Obviously, the whole thing is sensationalised. But seriously, this is getting way too much. Especially the whole 'Michael was gold' shit.


I honestly have no problems with people who genuinely wish to mourn/give tribute to him. But please spare the rest of us the drama and stop saying that he's the best this and all time that when you've had;

1. Never liked his music in the first place.

2. Always mercilessly ridiculed his appearance.

3. Happily circulated news that he's crazy/gay/child molester/bad father/ tried to kill his own child/etc.


The media and (unfortunately) some of the people I know are being a tad too hypocritical for my taste. MJ lived a miserable life. Mostly because of all the fuckpukimak shit that was shoved his way by the exact people who's now hailing him as an icon. Yang lain tu boleh la pulak jadi instant fan and cakap his songs has changed their lives. Padahal, in the years I've known them, tak pernah pun aku dengar dia sing (or even mention) MJ's songs. Pretentious pricks. So please, don't sing his praises (kiss-ass) and shed fake tears for his loss if you really don't care. And if some say that they did it due to respect for the dead, don't over do it. Just do as I do; MJ, rest in peace.


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Finally mustered enough courage to take the 'complete spa package' today. (You know what I mean) It hurt like hell. Heck, It was fucking macam sial antagonizing!

But hey, no pain no gain.
Now my skin is baby smooth. Can't stop touching myself. (wth?) Hahhahahahah....
Suukaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

I need Sleep.

It's fucking 3.50 in the morning.

And I can't fucking sleep!
Because there's damned cats right outside my window (somewhere in the bushes, I think) that's currently having noisy sex. Sheesh. If you wanna do it in the middle of the night, at least be quiet la! Some people are trying to sleep! I would've asked them to get a room (like fareez suggested). But that would just make me seem crazy to anybody who's suffering the same fate as I am.
*sigh*

So here I am, waiting for the cats to finish their fucking sessions.
Sad right??


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"Are you sure you're OK?" (the same question over and over..)

"Yeah, I'm ok kot."

"Why does there need to be a 'kot'? You know, I can't help you if you don't let me."

"No. I'm OK. Really. Talking about it takes too much energy anyway. So why start? Anyway, I'm bulletproof!" (I have to say this a couple of times a day to numerous different people.)

"Nobody's bulletproof!"

"Superman is!"


After that he didn't reply my messages for a long time.. Huh, I guess even ajaib-penyabar people like him gets frustrated too. Hahaha..

I am OK!

Why Does everyone asks if I'm OK?
Do I look weird or something??

No, It's how I've acted lately..

Some say I'm acting a lil too weird.
Some say I'm acting a lil too normal.

There's no pleasing anybody is there??

Adressing Issues

I recently told one of my old friends that I would NEVER be able to study medic. (Too much studying weyh!)



But he says it's just me; Medic takde lah susah sangat! *pfft!*

I pun naively lah caye cakap dia. Coz lets face it, I have some pretty screwed up ideas bout things..



The theory is this; Girls find things way harder to deal with things coz they take themselves way too seriously. Study kuat sangat, that's why they feel medic is hard. Whereas guys simply 'slum' it and lepak until exams come, then do all-nighters.

Ok lah tu, atleast ada la argument..



But then he goes ahead and does an 180 and says 'tapi kan nape la results aku pas nyawa2 ikan je? How do the girls score so high?'

Naturally I go wtf?? la kan.. Habis la go down the toilet all his points of the argumnet.



It gives me the heebi-jeebies thinking bout him being a doc! (>.<)" Hazard weh!!





But I sayang kat you! (As a friend la kan..)





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Out of total randomness; I have an aching craving for ice-cream! And him..


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FYI, I don't have a man. So please stop the rumour mill people.
What makes you assume I have one anyway??
Stop it!


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Dura, Ainie.. I miss singing??/screaming?? in the car with u guys!
Ahh~ thank you for the therapeutic sessions..

Do Something New!

We want what we don't need. Well, at least I do.
Now I find myself wondering what I'm gonna do with these godforsaken things..



1. What do I do with a little yellow day dress??

Pakai la! what else?? Tak kan nak guna as a $84 kain buruk!! Gila ko??!
But we'll be back at UiTM. What about the dress codes??
Fuck the dress codes! wear it on a date or something.
In this little number?? I'll be lucky if the pak jaga gives me a damn saman!
Pakai la jeans to cover your legs and a sweater to cover your arms. Then take it off in the car, well away from UiTM territory. *Muka bangga dah solve problem*
Wtf?? Tak malu ke buat stunt like that??
*Sigh* Then why the hell did you buy the thing??!


2. What do I do with a flashy sequined minidress??

Whoo!! Way hot! Perfect party dress!
I know. But where am I gonna wear it?!
Uhh, Duh!! At a party?? A Club?? Tolong la jangan bodoh..
I know!! But FYI, the last party I went to was my nephew's birthday party and I don't club!
Then start.
You are a fucking retard, you know that?! Tak kan lah??
Ok, then let me wear it!
No! Nyet! Tidak! I must rasmikan!! I just have to find an occasion...
*Sigh* If you have no idea, why the hell did you buy the thing??!


3. Ok, I sound like a damned fool. Gonna stop (although there's more) and go straight to the kesimpulan.

Why the hell did I buy the damn thing?? Because I can. Why waste time in fabricating lies to defend myself?? I KNOW that I'm a spoilt brat!


I tell you, the guy who ends up with me is in for some deep shit!

My Memorabilia

He came home from the specialist's with that stupid loopy grin of his.

"Told you nothing's wrong!" *messed up my hair*

I didn't believe him, of course.
So I asked the the person who's way more honest with me when it comes to bad news.
"It's not as bad as we thought it was." *phew!*
Not as bad, but bad nonetheless.

However, I'm thankful.
I'll take whatever I can get.




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He took a couple of days off work. (About time!)
Do you NEED to be really sick before taking a couple of days off?? It's not unheard of you know.. It's called a vacation!


"Look what I've got for us!"
"What?" (Using bored tone.)
"We need to go to the car for this!" (Excited??)

*Got in car. Started engine. Drove off.*

"Look! You'll like this!" *Hands over this thick brown CD album*

It was full of CDs! All burned (Illegally??) and labeled alphabetically by artist/band!
The Cranberries' album BEFORE they made it big! NO where to be found in Malaysia weh!!
Live concert recordings from Oasis, Coldplay and The Cure (A copy of the concert that he ACTUALLY went to!) Cool!
And ALL the albums (and some unreleased tracks) of my fav bands!!!


Before I knew it, I was an emotional puddle.
How much effort did you put into something like this??
How long did it take?? How long ago did you plan this??
Silent tears fell.
It took all the strength I had not to brawl. But a few darn sobs did escape.


He just drove.
In silence.


It was a comfortable silence.



"So, what do you wanna listen to first?"

We ended up picking Oasis. The first track was 'Wonderwall'. And we started to sing along. (Knowing us, it HAD to happen!) We bellowed "I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now" to each other. Like a pair of fuck retards, we drove around aimlessly and sang gaily (albeit badly).

I have never felt so much love as I've felt that night.
Ever!


I know that I'll remember that night for the rest of my life. Even if he leaves, I'll have this night.
Always.

Ainie, This is for You!

Tagged by sebok people who I (unfortunately) love.
(FYI: I do not believe in wedding's 'happily ever after' crap.)




1. how old are you?
16. Ok, Fine! 19... and a half.


2. are you single?
Yes.. No.. Both? Its complicated.



3. at what age do you think you'll get married?
26?? *Sigh* Lets just put it this way, if I'm not married by 32, I'll find an ultra cool sexy contemporary pad that I couldn't possibly get if I had kids and party my life away. (not bad for an andartu [anak dara tua] eh?)



4. do you think you'll be marrying the person you are with now?
This question will be so much easier to answer if I'm actually in a relationship.. (-.-)"


5. if not, who do you want to marry?
David Villa, Hugh Jackman, Sid Vicious or Megan Fox. Yeah, yeah.. First two are married, Sid's dead and the last one's a girl. So what??! (Btw, if I can't marry them, I can do just sex.)

Ha ha ha. (Yummy..)


6. who will be your bridesmaid & bestman?
I Promised Nurul that she can be my bestgal (provided she behaves herself!). My husband can choose his own bestman. See?? I'm not a control queen!


7. do you want a garden/beach or traditional wedding?
A traditional wedding in a garden by the beach! Ahaha..


8. where do you plan to go on honeymoon?
Does it even matter?? I just need a locked room with a four poster bed. (Owh, and not forgetting the strawberries and cream.) Trust me, he is not going anywhere anytime soon!


9. how many guests do you think you'll invite?
100.. 150 max. I want it to be the height of class and very exclusive. Everything must be the very best. Haha. Koyak la poket my future husband..


10. will that include your exes?
Don't think so.. As I said, exclusive! Only the MOST important people in my life will be invited.

11. how many layers of cake do you want?
3! Amount of cake should be in moderation. Haha. (3 layers is moderation??!)


12. when do you want to get married, morning or evening?
Get married in the morning, have posh banquet in the afternoon, party in the evening. It's pretty much an all day affair..


13. name the song/tune you'd like to play at your wedding.
The Cranberries (Linger is a MUST!), The Cure, The strokes, Coldplay, Oasis, The Script, Mindless Self Indulgence?? and Blacksabbath??! Muahaha.. I'm fucking insane!


14. do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon&fork?knife?
I'm not a dictator. You can use your hands for all I care. (As long as you look classy doing it!)


15. champagne or red wine?
Passion fruit juice! (fresh!) My poor (literally!) man.. Haha!


16. honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
Doesn't matter. Every night is my honeymoon.. Oo-la-la~


17. money or household items?
Money. Please. I do not need 13 toasters!


18. how many kids would you like to have?
At least 1. I want a mini me! haha.


19. Will you record your honeymoon in DVD/CD?
Oooh!!! Yes! Definitely! Must preserve the memories! We'd have 2 separate camcorders of course.. One for public viewing. The other.. Uhh.. Must be safely kept away from our kids.


20. Whose wedding plan would you like to know next?

Nurul Gan! (with Fad)

Dura! (with Mr. X)

Najat! (with Azwan)

Ahaha!

I screwed up 66% of my teenage school life!

[ ] Gotten detention.

[ X] Gotten your phone taken away in class.
(Not even in class! In the examination hall during the SBP SPM trail exams! Never before done weh!)

[ ] Gotten suspended.

[ X] Gotten caught chewing gum.
(Chewing gum, Nasi lemak sambal kerang.. But who cares?? Lapar la!)

[ ] Gotten caught cheating on a test.
(Cheat; yes. Kantoi; Not yet.)

Total: 2


[ X] Arrived late to class more than 5 times.
(Sorry Mr Ramesh! Sheesh, Everybody does it! even the lectures..)

[ X] Didn’t do homework over 5 times.
(I do it 5 mins before the lecturer asks for it. Or copy the ans from friends. Ngeh~)

[ ] Turned at least 3 projects in late.

[ ] Missed school cause you felt like it.

[ X] Laughed so loud you got kicked out of class.
(Only did it once in high school! The whole class tot I've lost it. 'Kanak2 ribena psycho on the loose!')

Total: 3


[ X] Got your mom / dad etc. to get you out of school.
(Owh, I did that on purpose. Anything to get away!)

[ X] Texted people during class.
(Class, tests, exams.. How else r we supposed to communicate without getting caught??)

[ X] Passed notes.
(Yup. In zaman old-skool. But mmg slalu kantoi la.)

[ ] Threw stuff across the room.

[ X] Laughed at the teacher.
(On daily basis.)

Total : 4


[ ] Pulled down the Fire Alarm.

[ X] Went on Myspace , Facebook , Xanga , etc. on the computer at school.
(What?? I was enhancing my communication skills! Belajar la tu!)

[ X] Took Pictures during school hours.
(Must! Wajib! What else am I supposed to do in class??)

[ X] Called someone during School hours.
(Hah! Call org across the room.)

[ X] Listened to an iPod , CD , etc... During class.
(Listen to ipod, music in phone, play games in phone, play games in laptop.. bnknye dosa2 ku..)

Total: 4


[ ] Threw something at the teacher.
(No, NO. Mummy and Daddy thought me manners.)

[ X]Went outside the classroom without permission.
(Sneak out. But I did re-enter the class! I did! After it was over..)

[ X] Broke the dress code.
(They leave me no choice! Panas la nak pakai long sleeves! Ni Malaysia, not goddamn England!)

[ X] Failed a class.
(Curse U add maths!!!)

[ X] Ate food during class.

Total: 4


[ X] Gotten a call from school.
(Coz I didn't pay the school fees. They react awfully fast when it has to do with payments.)

[ ] Couldn't go on a field trip cause you behaved badly.

[ ] Didn’t take your stuff to school.

[ ] Gotten a detention and didn't go.

[ X] Stuck up your middle finger at a teacher when they were not looking.
(Hey, Not proud of myself. But it had to be done.)

[ X] Cursed during class loud enough so the teacher could hear.
(The lecturer didn't say anything. HE curses in class too! Haha)

Total: 3


[ ] Faked your parents signature.

[ X] Slept in class.
(Slept in superman pose, with mouth open and don't forget the drool.)

[ ] Cursed at a teacher to their face.

[ X] Copied homework
(Copied homework, copied assignments, copi panas, copi hitam, copi ais??)

Total: 2


MULTIPLY BY THREE :22 x 3 = 66%

Puffery all the way

Being sad is so boring (and destructive).



I jump every time somebody wants to talk to me. Everybody looks like they wanna tell me bad news. Hmm.. Then again, maybe I'm just losing my mind.



No mood to go out. No mood to even have fun! (See?? I am totally fucked up!)


And I have this annoying urge to gulp down a whole damn pint of Baskin Robins and boxes of Domino's.






Plus, I think mummy is worried bout me. She's giving me 'the look'. (which she shouldn't give me!) She has enough to worry about. I'm FINE. Perfectly normal. On the verge of contentedness. Nothing to fret about. The whole masochistic thing is over! Has been for a long time. Just drop it alright? Sheesh.



He has been really worried too. Stop it, there's no point in it anyway. What can you do?
Right. Nothing.


So spare yourself the worry! This doesn't mean I don't appreciate your love, I just don't want you to waste your energy on it. (I know, Totally lame-ass excuse, but it's the truth.)














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I spy with my little eye something (or someone) that has been air-brushed..

Lets play spot the difference, shall we??

-Jiggling belly. *check*
-Chunky legs. *check*
-Cellulite. *check*
-Uneven skin. *check*




Haih, I honestly do not have anything against this lady. But really. Air-brushing should be illegal. (FYI. I think Kimmie looks nice even before the air-brushing.)



I have to admit that I'm seldom happy with my own image. (Ass too wide, jiggling belly, ect.) And it gets hell of a lot worst when I'm in one of my psycho mood swings. But while I was browsing the net to pass the time and stumbled upon this little picture, I somehow felt better about myself.


Hey, hey, I'm not sadistic or anything. Its just that I don't think I look THAT bad when I see pics like these. Even celebs have their flaws. We just don't see them coz they're goddamn air-brushed.

Even my girl crush Megan doesn't look all that hot before her plastic surgery and sans make-up. I guess all those fashion mags featuring perfect models does subconsciously lower my self esteem (I want A size 0 body too weh!). Well, the pic did perk me up a lil bit! Hope it doesn't wear off anytime soon..

The Unmovable Moved

What do you do when the one who has always kept you afloat,
The person who you'd thought would always be there and never ever leave,
is not as invincible as you thought they were?


What if everything you've done your whole life revolved around that person?
When that person leaves, what do you do then?
When the only thing you crave from all your hard work is their approval or the pride you see in their eyes?
Wouldn't it all seem irrelevant?
Or do you go on with hopes that 'This is what he/she would have wanted me to do'?
And when you're done what you think you should have done, Do you imagine their happiness/approval/pride in your accomplishments?
relive the memories every time? And continue playing mind games with yourselves?


What would you do?


What do I do?


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I told you to stop.

I told him to stop.

But no matter how many times I say it, nobody listens to me!

Its like I'm not even there.
Invisible.
Unimportant.

And you go on and on.

With no thought of how it hurts me.





The person who loves you most.



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"I don't know how you do it. You barely tell me any of your problems. You just deal with it with your head held high. So bravely, not like me at all. Such a weakling."


"Deal with it bravely?? No, far from it. Listen, everybody has their moments. At least you stand up and face your problems. I'm just great at making excuses and looking like I don't have problems."



Then I brawled my eyes out.
Had a good long blubbery cry. One that was holding itself back for a week or so.


Once again you've pushed my buttons.


You're the only one who can make my flaws seem so acceptable.
You never deny that I have flaws. You even point them out to me.
But you have never damned me for having them.


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No more blob-goo moments.

Everybody has to go through this sooner or later.

This is my time.




I have to be bulletproof.

Lulu Land

This is why Handbag designers should not, I repeat, SHOULD NOT design their own clothes.
You could have me on gun-point and I'd still NEVER wear that purple mess in public!


But all is forgiven. I still love you no matter now atrocious you look!
Absolutely adore you for making the quirkiest and detailed handbags!






p/s: whoever can get a hold on her bags for me will forever be in my good graces!!!

In The Jungle

What I've learnt within 2 hours worth of Animal Planet:


1. Some animals COLLECT fat to survive winter. Bears eat and eat until its twice (sometimes trice!) its average size. But after winter they suddenly kurus balik! (just spent 15 mins imagining myself 3 times my current size. Uggh, that fat, FAT ass.) *shiver* Goddamn bears! Why can't humans share the same trait?? Binge, Hibernate, then presto! Rocking body for the summer. Haiz.. Plus, I know I'll be really good at hibernating! Ngeh~
Tido je. Then wake up only to crap and pee. (which they [bears] do in the same cave they sleep in. Eww.)


2. Speaking of crap and pee, people (desperately) try to leave their mark (or legacy if you wanna get dramatic) in the world. I get it. People wanna feel important. That's not a sin.
But you are nothing but a fraud. (you know who you are!) If you're not rich. It's ok, neither am I. But DON'T show up in my face and flash all the designer stuff that you've bought -with borrowed money from people I know that you've conveniently forgot to repay!- I'm not one to be impressed with your designer clothes or branded make-up. If there's one thing that needs a make-over, it's YOU.
You repulse me. You make me gag.
Every sentence that comes out of your fuck-shit mouth has to be about you, you, YOU. And if it's not about you, then it's about trashing the people around us. And you forget that I love some of the people that your damning in my face. Don't think we don't compare notes. We know you damn everybody you feel insecure around. Say that your my friend to my face, then make snide remarks about my taste in men to the next person you meet. (Btw, didn't you run off with one of my boyfriends?? The exact same one you degraded endlessly? *scoff*)
I'm disappointed in you -angry even-

Maybe there's a real person somewhere in you. But trust me, nobody sees it. You've asked me why people leave you out. Do I even have to explain??!
Leaving your mark in people's lives is never hard. Just don't use the animal's technique. Animal's technique are for animals. A.N.I.M.A.L.S. That means its not for you. (though I can find a couple of people who would disagree!) So stop crapping and peeing on people to leave your mark!



See?? Lessons in life. Who says TV doesn't teach you anything!

Pokai!

Went all the way to KL to help my best friend buy something for her future-mother-inlaw. (I'm such a good friend!)

Nak jumpa for the first time tu! gila lah. I guess some people have more guts than I do. I'd never go! Takut! Hohoho... Paranoid. (>.<)"

So anyway, in the shopping mall..
look left. *sale!*
look right. *sale!*
*Open wallet; moth flies out. see cobwebs.* Haih..
Hate this!
NEED.MORE.MONEY!


Hey, hey!
I have no problems with money management, thank you very much!
My friend was adamant that the bag that she's planning to give her future inlaw MUST be branded! *sigh* What ever happened to 'it's the thought that counts'??
Hence, being the sucker that I am who cannot see her best friend of 14 years in agony, I lent her the money that she needs.
Conclusion; no more money left for me to splurge. (sedih..)
Again, I am such a good friend. Haha. (No lah, I love you babe!)

Plus, fixing my hair yang dah jadi macam dreadlocks ni perlu duit jugak!
Macam rambut Tarzan, Simba's mane, Albert Einstein and whateverthefuck else.
Money, money, MONEY. Please hear my plea and come my way!

Pheww!

I am SO HAPPY!

*Happy-happy, Joy-joy!*
*Do the booty shake dance*

Was so convinced that my results will be worst then last sem!
Coz I played around way more then last sem! Memang fucking malas nak mampos! Nak pergi kelas pun kelat gila!
This way surpasses my expectations!! I kick-ass!!

Thank you god!!!
Thank you Mummy & daddy! And even Monkey (lil' bro)!
Thank you Lectures!
Thank you friends who kept me company / helped me study / goofed off with me to release tension!
Haih.. Sounds like an award speech pulak! *Ngeh*

Now I can get into the REAL Law school. taking off training wheels! Whee!!
BLS, here I come!!!

Tick-Tock Spin My Little Clock!

-12.34 am-

Found out that the results will be officially out today. Unlike my luckier/unluckier friends (depending on their results) who got their results in a sneak-peek session due to some fluke in the student portal, I wasn't fast enough to find out myself and end my misery.


So waited (in excruciating pain) till 12 midnight to go find out if I'm forever doomed. Because that is what I will be if my results do not meet my expectations! Ahh!!! Freaking out now! this whole thing is goddamn stressing me out!


At 12, tried to get results. Results not out yet. (wtf??) Browsed friend's blogs to find out what's going on. Got answer: Results will only be out at 9am. Following office hours. WHY??! You would have thought that if they did not want their system to crash (Coz it always does when the results comes out), they would have at least released the results in the dead of night?? So if it DOES crash (which I'm convinced it will!) it wouldn't interfere with their work! Dumbfucks! Aih.. I'm going nuts aren't I??


Waiting if I'm gonna be executed is fuck-shit scary! Till then, will be staring into space and hoping the clock tics faster.







Picture courtesy of Devour^. Hey you should really take up photography. you captured my boredom/dread very well!



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-7.00 pm-

Results STILL not out!! wtf?? Mama says it's coz there's a new problem with the degree student's results. MORE waiting.. Haih.. (-.-)"

Then found out that I have to pay RM 210 for next sem. *sigh* But I guess I got it better then most people. Bayar je la. Malas nak pikir lagi..

PLEASE JUST GET THE RESULTS OUT ALREADY!!!

Yes, Your Highness!

I'm 80% done with the work. Baru ingat nak celebrate. But then received news that there's MORE. Bloody hell, how many documents can there be for this one fucking subject??

I don't even think we'll read it all!

It was stupid of me to mention this fact to Mummy dearest. She gave me 'the look'. (NOTHING good ever happens to me when she gives me that look!)
"Ok then, since you're helping me do this. You might as well help me read them too."
Me and my big pie hole. Damn it! Tu lah, lain kali gali lagi lubang kubur sendiri!

Aiihh.. (-.-)"


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Went to the British High Commissioner's residence for dinner.
Apparently it's part of my new job as mummy's side-kick to establish connections and learn the new 'on-dit' about the field. Looks like another night burnt. Bila nak siap sorting out files camni??

It was to celebrate the birthday of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II . Heck, I don't even care! As long as there's cake and food, I won't complain too much.

Fuck, I really don't like going to stuffy formal dinners where it's like a crime to slurp your soup.
Formal attire. Damn, no jeans.

But there was food, and the cake (I have to admit) was mind blowing! melts in your mouth! Too bad I wasn't able to ask for seconds! But I did stuff myself with all sorts of chocolate covered berries and a good helping of fish and chips AFTER the formal dinner. Damn, There goes my resolution to diet again..

The night out was better then being stuck at home. But Now I have to make up for lost time.


*Sigh* The things I do for her highness Mummy..

I do NOT want a PhD! Part2

Ahh!! I have clearly overestimated myself on my ability to do mundane work!

Poor mama. Dah la in a writer's block and cannot find her reference files, anak pulak tak boleh nak harap. I haven't finished sorting the files yet. Banyak gila nak mati, bergunung macam sial tau! The deadline has already passed. So have to do a double shift of sorting files and researching references on internationalization and globalization of higher education. (aku gila hebat weh!!!)
Besides that, I suddenly have the privilege to have the car. But only to do ERRANDS. Wtf?? If that's how it is, I'd rather you keep the car! But (being the good obedient child that I am) I did the errands anyway. which means I get to be my bro's driver and wait in line to pay bills. Whipee!

Hish, I have to do everything around here.

*sigh* Really tired.
I miss my friends! MiSS U guys LOTS!!! *sob-sob*


Oh shit, Mama needs some files.
Back to my minimum wage job which I've accepted due to mutual affection.. (refer to general exceptions: contract law.) Haha!

I do NOT want a PhD!

I am young and beautiful. I am 19. And I am on my holiday.
I should be out with my friends partying my ass off right??
But NOOooooo... Here I am, at 3.30 am, wide awake. helping mummy dearest sort out all her PhD files.

3 full pen drives full of files (each a fucking 2 GB!). and I have to sort them out! I think I've managed to sort out a couple of hundreds.. Great! just another couple of thousands to go! No biggie.

My head is pounding (Cannot concentrate on the digital mess). I'm getting cross-eyed (been staring too long at the goddamn screen). My fingers are threatening to fall off (some files need manual typing!). Fuck!

NEED to get this done by 8.30 am. (Impossible ok!) Gahh! Now I have to pull an all-nighter.

Hah! Mr. Brightside by the killers are playing now. Hmm.. Sesuai la dengan situasi ni.

At least I get paid.

Seen & Heard!

Ok, I might go into movie/music critic mode here, but who the hell cares??

For those who know me, you all must admit that I have a crazy-cool-awesome taste in stuff!

(Gila perasan! Boleh lompat banggunan now..)

Anyway, I think this may help some of you who would want to squash your boredom!

1. I've watched the movie Coraline. I know it's a little bit late since it premiered about 2 months ago. But I'm pretty sure it didn't air in Malaysian cinemas. Hence, the late viewing. But WHY they didn't air it here baffles me. once again, Malaysian viewers are denied of their rights for good viewing materials. (Kesian betul!)



2. Anyway, It was actually quite good! It was form a similar mold as Nightmare before Christmas and Corpse Bride. Way cool! And twisted! Just my type of movie. It's about this lonely neglected girl who finds a perfect alternate world that turns out not to be so 'perfect' after all. My fav part was when the 'bad parents' gave the girl buttons that was supposed to be sown into her eyes. And I even kinda understood the antagonist and couldn't really hate her. Not many movies can do that to me. Normally movies meant for the 'younger viewers' are painfully biased. Definite breath of fresh air from the normal instilling-good-values-for-youngsters movie.

1. I thank my lucky stars to have a good music lover as a dad. No Disco Ago-go here! (Again, Thank GOD!!) He introduced me to The Stokes, The the, Deep Purple, The Police and even Cyndi Lauper! He was solely responsible for my taste in music. Which (if I do say so myself) is kick-ass! No other parent in their right mind would actually encourage their children to listen to Black Sabbath! That is why he is the coolest!


2. New band with killer sound alert! I heard about this band LongView when I was doing my summer course in the UK. Now I finally found the album (gila susuah nak cari weh!), listen to every track, and it fucking rocked!! They're a shoegazing indie rock band from Winchester and Manchester. Album: Mercury and tracks to watch are Further (though they're a couple of versions), If you asked (attention to lyrics!), and Nowhere. I liked 3/4 of the whole album and that's damned impressive! Most of the other albums I listen to only have one or two good songs. the rest are pure crap! Find more about them online if you wanna, but a warning for you people; If you do not like British rock and like pop-ish happy bands THIS IS NOT FOR YOU!

Series of Fortunate Events

Today is one of those days when everything just falls into place.


*Happy-happy, Joy-joy!*


Hurrah moments:

1. I asked my parents if I could go out. They said "Up to you lah." They didn't even nag about it! Yay! This is a very good sign indeed. (Hope it continues)




2. I have to find transportation to get to Mid, where my beloved Aie is waiting. So asked daddy if I could borrow his Merce. He said ok! *Floating in air!* But mummy started to get pissed off. Why do I (little miss spoiled) get to use the Merce?? So I ended up driving the Honda instead. Don't really give a damn though, as long as I don't have to use the fucking KTM. I had enough of cramming myself in the confined, hot space filled with sweaty people. (Eww..)




3. But then I forgot about one crucial thing; I can't navigate roads to save my life! Let me illustrate how bad I am; I had to send my bro to his tutor centre in USJ13, I got lost on the way home and ended up at Batu Tiga Shah Alam before I finally figured out where the hell I am! Yeah, I suck! Naturally, I got lost. I was about to cry/panic when Fareez finally picked up his phone (what took you so long??) and navigated me back to the right track. (Oh, my hero! haha!) Hah! who needs a bloody $1500 navigator phone when I have you?? Plus, your more user friendly! Hehe.. Thank you, I owe you one!




4. I found my dream shoes! (again!) But this time they actually had my size! (^~^) And they were ON SALE! *swoon!* cannot believe it! God loves me after all!!! *Bliss!*




5. Then found a crazy-sexy-backless-plunging-top. It was almost too sexy for me. *scoff!* ALMOST. (I L.O.V.E. being sexy!) I bought it on the spot. Hehe.. (Nak bagi daddy heart attack?!) Now I just have to figure out where to wear it. I am starting to believe that Aie is my shopping good luck charm. I love you girl!



6. On the way back, Federal highway was bumper-to-bumper. But I DID NOT GET LOST! (0.0) Amazing! Haha. Even the jam wasn't that bad. I managed to play tag with a hot cutie in another Honda. *Giggle gedik* We even mimed at each other! MIMED! ME! (wtf??)



7. Got home LATE. Was expecting a lecture. But NOTHING came! Just a 'Hi'. This is getting freaky, but I ain't complaining!



8. Later daddy said "Ok, time to pick up your new glasses." Ooohh yay! Picked them up. they're beautiful! Plus, it doubles up as sunnies too!

Wahh! Aie pakai tudung! The power of UIA! (TeeHee..)


Anyway,

I am one lucky lady!

Better (I think)

"I'm getting damn fat!"

"Haha!"

"I've been binging on pints and PINTS of Baskin Robins. Not helping my figure."

"Binging is bad. It's a sign of depression."

"Me?? Depressed??"

*He started to explain the effects and signs of depression*

*I compared what he said to myself*

*Groan*

"Help."

"I think your depressed coz your lonely. Trust me, I know from experience."

Ok, THAT hit a nerve.

"How do YOU know??" (Deny, deny, deny!)

"Well, it's pretty easy to figure out. We're on holiday, so it's not your studies. That only leaves loneliness."

"This is freaky. let's find a new tajuk perbualan"

"You can't ignore this forever."

Oh yes I can.I'm NOT depressed. No matter how many goddamn 'symptoms' I show.

But thanks for caring.

You always know what to say to make me feel better. Which I did by the end of the conversation.

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I can cook after all! Hurrah!!

Looks like my 'future husband' (hah! kalau ada!) will not lose all his hair due to the fact that before this, the only decent thing I can whip up is a bowl of Maggie! (-.-)"

I made a kick-ass tomato-cheese-omelet! (Ok, not much to go hurrah! about but this is definitely a hurrah! moment to me!) I can't cook that well. I totally admit it.

I'm not like my friends who can cook ikan masak asam and whatever the fuck else yang susah nak gila to masak (yeah, I'm talking bout you Anna! I jealous tengok you!)

The last time I tried to make a 'real' dish (daging masak merah), it looked like I splashed red paint on the beef! (and I gave daddy food poisoning- he as so sweet trying to encourage his 'little girl' to cook.)

I love you for that daddy.

But back to my kick-ass omelet, it was crispy outside and perfectly moist inside.

I even took a picture!

I know that I'm bursting with pride over nothing. But can't help it!

Next step; learn to fry a chicken without ruining my skin!

Happy for the time being. (^~^)

(Don't really see) Reality

I AM SORRY.


I was hurt and didn't really see how this effects you. It's so unfair to you and I see that now. It was beyond idiotic to believe some stranger instead of you (especially since this is the second goddamn rumour).


The nasty rumours. The new 'status' you have unwantedly acquired. The frustration you must have felt. It has never occurred to me that it may actually be my fault. That you were just a casualty by association. And I didn't even NOTICE! What a total bitch I must have been.


I was afraid to think that way. Gila perasan seh pikir that I can ruin a life (or in this case a reputation) single handily. But that is exactly what has happened. Worst of all, I LET you take the fall. I let it get to me. I doubted our friendship, and that may be unforgivable.


You have done so much for me. Agaknye dah penat you layan all my fucking crazy-PMS mood swings. You go to great lengths to give me what I want. Help me out when there is absolutely NOTHING in return for you. How the hell did I get someone like you in my life??


I do not give you due credit.





And for that and (a whole shit-load of) everything else, I am so sorry.



Please, please, please don't hate me anymore..

Game Over!

It is official, nothing is gonna happen. Ever. In his own words; "Maybe it wasn't meant to be."



Can't say I wasn't disappointed at all. There was a little part of me that sensed the loss. But there are plenty of fishes in the proverbial sea right? Aargh! Fuck this, sounds like I'm losing my marbles! 'Plenty of fishes in the proverbial sea'?? (wtf??)



Even when there's nothing between us, things go horribly wrong when we even try to upgrade our relationship to 'more-then-friends'. The last time we gave it a shot a goddamn fictional girlfriend suddenly comes into the picture. (Rumours which I hope is wrong.)



*sigh*



Anyway, we're still friends. And there's no doubt in my mind that I can always count on him to be there for me. He's a great friend.





Maybe that's enough.





This post I starting to sound like a letter someone might write to a damn couples counselor! Ah~ To hell with it! Might as well hear what people who are NOT insane has to say.

Anybody fancy themselves as a couples counselor (or a psychiatrist)? Feel free to say something (preferably to help me).

Stay As The Unknown

It's a terrible thing to be alone - yes it is - it is - but don't lower your mask until you have another mask prepared beneath - as terrible as you like - but a mask.

Katherine Mansfield

1888-1923