Revamping, Again.

There comes a point in one's life where one wonders, whatthefuck is going on?? When one does not understand what one is feeling or even why one is feeling so.


This nagging feeling of hopelessness and loss is eating me up. I feel... unattached, alone somehow. And quite frankly I think I'm losing my marbles because I, of all people, should have the least reasons to feel so. It completely baffles me how I can be my composed self one minute and dissolve into a self-pitying sobbing mess in the other. I tell those who are dear to me that I'm fine. And to those who know me better than to believe my crap, I simply say I do not know why I'm not fine.

Technically, I'm not lying. I don't really know why I feel this way but I have a sinking feeling that I'll find out if I try to pry my feelings and re-open semi-healed wounds. My demons and sick mind works in horrific ways. Too much apart of me to discard completely. Too many have warned me that this'll be my undoing -and I do not doubt them. Having said that, it gets fucking annoying when I'm not able to leave things be. Regardless of its unfinished and uncertain state, because it shouldn't matter. I have such a beautiful life now. I should be able to leave it as it is. God believe me, I've tried.

I have a vague idea of how ugly things may get if I try to get to the bottom of this, but the prospect of having to stare at my worst fears right in the face, I have to cowardly admit, is something I am not yet ready to do.



Looking at other outlets to distract myself is (thankfully!) working. Though those outlets doesn't necessarily make sense to others, but it does to me -and as far as I'm concerned, that's all that matters. One of which was to chop my long locks off (to the dismay of the Bestie), There's just something liberating about it. Like I'm removing all the extra baggage, a chance start over. A new me, if you may. And as silly as this sounds, it made all the sense to me.

Self-destructing acts such as my bad (albeit underdeveloped) smoking habit is no more. After all the shit that has happened, I don't need to add another chronic disease into my list. Yes, I know it's harebrained to start and its just gonna make it worse but sometimes.. why don't just speed up the process? Ha. There I go again.. But still, am sticking to the new resolution!

I have too much to lose to start turning into a nut job now. More then I might care to admit actually. Finally, every aspect of my life is good, if not completely perfect. Now the hard part begins -maintaining it.