'Eventually' has come

To be quite honest, I started this post yesterday. On the 23rd of Dec at approximately 4 am..

But I hadn't the will power to actually finish it. Mostly because all I really wanted to do was to wallow in my own misery and cry my eyes out- which I did. Anyways, I couldn't type even if I wanted to. The tears blurred my vision. Ergo, I couldn't even see the keyboard. Heh.

Now that I'm (somewhat) sober enough to think clearly, the whole heart-break-drama was totally my fault. As the bestie pointed out;
"You should've lied for the sake of his happiness."

I'm such a fucking idiot. Because come to think of it, that's exactly what I should've done. I knew that I could fix the problem. Or ATLEAST made sure that the problem is actually unfixable (is that even a word??). So why not spare the other the pain of knowing?? I could've just fixed the freakin' problem and pretend like nothing is wrong. No one would know except me. Stupid, stupid girl! Why didn't I think of that before I opened my big fat gob?! *Bash head on wall*

This, ladies and gentleman is the classic example of how a person of usually sound mind can make an unsound decision in a stressful situation.

But what hurt the most is not the problem per se'. It's what the problem has made me realise.

For almost 6 months, we've never fought. Fine, we had a few lil squabbles here and there.. but never anything that truly upset me. Certainly never anything that would actually jeopardize our relationship. So in my head I imagined him handling things differently when trouble rears it's ugly head.

I imagined that he'll stand by me. Never wavering. Not even for a second. Like some knight in shining armour. To always be the pillar I can lean on regardless of how tough things may get.

Because deep down inside, I desperately hoped that he had more faith in our relationship then I do. Because lets face it, I don't have a lot of faith in relationships. Period.

So when he wavered, it hurt like I never imagined it could.

Please don't get me wrong.. I am in no way a better person then he is. In fact I'm worse. Because I foist upon him an expectation so high that it was impossible for him to live up to. I was selfish and unfair. And for that I deserved all the heart ache. It wasn't him who brought fourth the pain- it was me. And my lofty dreams. This is what I get for detaching myself from reality.

there's a saying; the higher you get, the harder you fall.
Hitting the cold hard earth is agony. I do not recommend it.

I guess I ain't as bulletproof as I thought I was. No. In actual fact, yesterday showed me how much of a weakling I really am. To dissolve into a pathetic puddle at the mere thought of losing him. Uggh! Just thinking about it now makes me mad at myself. Spineless! And I hate it. I wasn't like this last year, or the many years before. I haven't cried for a (almost) broken relationship since I was fucking 13- which was when I've decided not to give a single person my all.

Maybe I was right. Love does make you weak.
But I would give all I have to be proven wrong..