I Can't Keep Up With Evolution!

My housing area was fogged on Monday. But did it do any good for we humans??
Hell no!

I sincerely think that they have evolved and are now totally immune to all forms of fogging. Truly!

Since people have been telling me that as a lawyer (sigh, belum grad lagi la~), I cannot assume and hereto MUST provide some sort of evidence to my statements.


Exhibit 1: Since the fogging, their numbers have actually multiplied! Annoying little bastards! Sometimes I can even see them flying in multiple pairs. And they fly in sync! like goddamn figure skaters!

Exhibit 2: No matter how much I try, I just can't seem to kill any of them manually like I always do. It's either they have gotten faster, or I have gotten slower.. No, they've gotten faster. Period. Don't argue with me on this point!

Exhibit 3: When all else fails, I bring out the aerosols. Please note that this is my last resort. Normally I'll chant "Save mother earth" or "save the ozone". But I'm being eaten alive, so fuck earth. So I whip out my shieldtox and spray like there's no tomorrow. After using almost half the can, I can STILL see the friggin' things flying around gaily. I can almost hear them mocking me. *Ne-ne-ne-ne-neh~* Fuck you! Aerosol was clearly NOT working, so I turned to plan B. Mosquito coils! Old-skool bebeh! So I let my house become this make-shift tokong (It also smells like one. Ewww~), with mosquito coils everywhere. But I was thinking; Xpe, as long as the bloodsuckers die. Berkorban la sikit. Well, four hours later, they were still flying circles around me..
Why won't you just DIE???

Exhibit 4: Gigitan mereka semakin gatal! Like gilababi itchy! Knowing me, I'll just scratch and scratch.. until it bleeds. And I wouldn't even notice it's bleeding until my nails has red goo stuck under it. THAT'S how goddamn ITCHY it is! So now I have fugly scabs all over my usually smooth legs and shoulders. Fuck, I was planning to wear a dress for World Stage. (T.T)" Again, damn you nyamok..


Hence, with all the hard evidences as shown above; nyamoks has evolved. I'm now calling them supernyamoks.


Note to scientists: Please find new EFFECTIVE ways of killing these fuckers. Thank you.




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I turned my room topsy-turvy in an attempt to locate my (inherited!) vintage gold diamond ear rings. Where the hell did I put them?? *Sigh*


In the end, I didn't find the ear-rings (it's gotta be there somewhere..) but I did find my poor discarded iPod video. The whole set! Complete with thick layer of dust!

It was all the rage back in 2006.. Ok, to be fair, it is still the rage. But still, I ditched it as it was too much of a hassle to use. So bloody complicated la! Mesti ada iTunes lah, have to get the right video format lah. Bla..bla..blah..

To be honest, I never did manage to put in any videos in that thing. Never quite figured out HOW to.. I know. Am such a butek (BU- buta. TEK- teknologi. Hence, jadi BUTEK.) Haha. Cool eh? (^.^)

So since I've located it. And since my gila cool Sony Ericsson dah kena curi dengan orang yang sememangnya dari azali celaka. I've decided to give the old iPod another go. But THIS time, I'll get professional help. So Fad and Fik, I hope your promises are solid. Help this butek girl out!


Maybe next time you see me on the way to Cempaka, I'll be groovin' to my iPod instead of my (sob..sob.. Sedih sebentar..) Sony Ericsson.

All I Need

These couple of days has been one fucked up emotional roller coaster ride.

In order to cheer my sorryass up, Mr Penyabar whisked me away to the place I love best. The beach! The main reason why he wants to bring me there; to see the sun set! Haha.. Lame, yes I know.. But the lameness is what makes our relationship so damn good!


Got there around 4pm and the sun was on super-hot mode. Fuck. I'm like the oldies vampire (not the twilight version shit), I get burned under the sun's rays. Thank god I was wearing a flowy dress that has good ventilation. Plus, Mr Penyabar was my make-shift shield. So I wasn't badly burnt.


By the time it was cool enough to go and play, the sun was already starting to set. It was gorgeous.

See hideous toes all covered in mud at the bottom?

Yeah, they're mine.. in his sandals.

(^.^)

I forgot how fun it was. Just to sit on the warm beach, wind blowing, and the feel of sand between your toes. Was definitely a much needed cleansing experience.


We walked aimlessly across the beach, till we got chased by some friggin' dogs. Haih.. jauh sangat merayap! Dah lah we were the only one's there! (apart from some stray nelayan la..) Sungguh berani.. (-.-)" After that, we basically stayed put- far FAR away form big doggies with huge teeth. watched the sun set while talking, taking pictures and playing with the sand. Now THAT'S what I call multitasking! BTW, I make some awesome balled sand yo! All so perfectly shaped. I even paired them up, but Mr Penyabar said it looked like not-so-innocent balls. Damn you! Sheesh, men!

I would've published a picture with him in it,

but as he seems so adamant on remaining anonymous,

I shall respect his wishes.

After years, that fateful day has finally brought back my glow.

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On the way back, a sudden thought struck me; how long can I stay this way??

I always knew the day would come when I'd finally have to let him go. I've even been mentally preparing myself for it. But the sense of loss that I feel, the sadness.. It was so overwhelming. Have you ever felt a sadness that wraps around your heart and squeezes so hard it becomes a physical pain? Yeah, it sounds goddamn melodramatic, but that's exactly how I felt. Fuck, I did NOT expect that. I honestly thought that I'll just go through the motions. Just like how I go through all my past break-ups; detached and unemotional.

I think he somewhat sensed my distress. And after much cajoling, he finally got me to say what's on my mind. As always, he held my hand, the same way he always does.. Not too tight, so that I can simply pull away if I want to and not too loose, so that I know he's there for me. *Sigh* Bliss!

We stayed that way for awhile. The road was pitch black. Highway with no road lamps yo! And to top things off, Sixpence none the richer's "Kiss me" was on the radio. He picked that moment to say these words; "I wanna hold your hand for as long as I can. I'm not letting go." I didn't say anything, but he read my face and knew that I was touched. He was more of a boyfriend to me then most of my real ones.. even when we were mere friends. I can't even imagine what more can he do if we were really together.

But that doesn't mean I'm not happy to just wait and see.

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Watched 'The Taking Of Pelham 123' today.

I was totally bummed that the crazy but way smart Ryder died in the end. He was the Taiko! Gila cool.. Opps~ Was that a spoiler?? sorry..

Let's Annoy People!

FB is giving me connection problems. Yet again. Damn you! I wanna check on my farm/restaurant. (Do not mock me dear friends.) These things are goddamn addictive. I am merely a pray of their fiendish albeit idiotic games.

(T.T)"

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Lady Gaga in a Kermit the frog coat.

The fuck was she thinking??

I like this lady. Heck, I even like Kermit! But THIS??

Okay, I respect her for being so out of the mold. But being outta the mold doesn't mean you have to go 110% loony. One word for the coat. Hilariously-hideous. Dear god, even the Kermits looks like they have suffered some awful and painful death, then, hung on Gaga's body. I wonder how many Kermits had to die for that thing.. Is it the same as killing animals for their fur? Wonder if PETA would disapprove.. But then again, maybe not. Better to butcher puppets then real animals right?? Hey Big Bird, you better watch out! You might be next!

See how Gaga's eyes got a lil bit juling? Kids, THAT is what will happen to you if you wear dead Kermit the frogs all over your body. Their roh tak aman! So they'll slowly make you juling. (Or maybe it's just the crazy is getting to her..)

Noticed the Kermit head on Gaga's head? I recon that poor frog was the first to die. Then it was decapitated, and put on Gaga's head as the leader of the band of dead frogs. Noticed how sad the leader Kermit looks?? Hmm.. on second thought, It DOES look like a Kermit popped outta her head. Either way. Same thing. Hahaha..

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Have been chatting with Shafiq. BAD move. Within minutes of chatting, he has achieved in calling me both paranoid and a pessimist. Haih.. Dasar suka membuli orang!

Fine, I am a pessimist. I already knew that. But I'm NOT paranoid. I tend to think things will turn out for the worse, but in no way am I scared of the outcome. And I am not scared of the supposed 'big bad world'. I'll survive just fine, thankyouverymuch!

Boo you and your judgemental ways.

Woah, DeJavu. Rasa macam I pernah rant about this.. Tapi tak ingat bila.. Dang! Short term memory loss! (*.*)"

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"If you could choose anything to be your pet, what would it be?"

"A cute boy." *Big smiley face*

"So that you'll get a cute son?? (Assuming that your fertile lah) Anyway, what guy will marry you?"

"Lots of guys will love to marry me! I'll always make him 'happy'. " *Big laugh*

"No, seriously. what would your pet be? Homo-sapiens not included!"

"A dinosaur! The ones with really big teeth!"

"The hell?? Why?"

"So that I can order it to eat annoying people like you!"

Haha.. Serves you right for asking me idiotic questions like that. However, despite what I've said, I do enjoy your company. (When I'm not resisting the urge to strangle you of course..)

Workaholic Much??

I'd like to think of myself as a fair person. So when a person comes to me spluttering out things that I don't personally believe, I'm not so quick to judge.. But even after thinking about it (for the whole night I might add!) I STILL can't get it!


Anna: PERKAD is SO great! I mean It's mind blowing! You should've joined. So what if you have to kawad almost every night, it's fun!

But then she comes back to our room dead beat, and I'm supposed to enjoy THAT??

(-.-)"

Anyway, I can see myself dropping like a sack of rotten potatoes every night if I join PERKAD. Heck, I even pass out on our weekly compulsory sessions. No, thank you!


Fyza: PERKAD's so cool! I love the commander! He's SO nice! (Err.. Do you mean the one who slandered the poor girl with the purple highlights?) And don't forget the law clubs! they're so cool! So what if I get stresses out? the end result is worth it!

Again.. (=.=)" I'm so sorry but I do not know how to appreciate things like that.


Sure, I do it. (no use trying to deny it right? Dah terang2 I'm in LAWSOC.) I do enjoy it. (to a certain extent, of course.) And I do not regret joining (well, most of the time.. when I'm not pulling my hair out due to the stress. Haha, talk about being indecisive!). But do I live for it? Get totally giddy-excited for it?? Hell no!

Maybe I'm being too negative about it (As always). Unlike Mr Penyaber, I tend to take things negatively. Even things that's actually good for me. Haih.. Maybe it's high time for me to turn a new proverbial leaf.

So I keep thinking about it. About all the things that makes it Super-fantastic. I (literally) draw a blank...

................

Nop. Nada. No matter how hard I try I still can't see things the way they do.

"If you wanna get people to put in their all into work,

there's gotta be some sort if incentive.

It doesn't have to be much, but it must be there.

Just as a form of appreciation."

Quoted from my se-weirdness buddy Fareez.

Holy crap, I'm starting to quote Fareez?? (+.+) Nevertheless, he's right. That's why people tend to work harder when they're actually paid or (in Fyza's case) deeply passionate about.

Hey, I'm not in any way saying that there's something wrong with my dear Anna or Fyza. On the contrary, I'm totally convinced that there's something wrong with ME (Lazy bum!). Who's lucky enough to get them in their team should thank their lucky stars! And Anna, you are way too goddamn nice. Put in a request or two for every task you accept from people! Honestly, I don't know how you do it! Listen here people, being too nice doesn't help you. Ever!

Though I've spent (wasted??) many hours thinking about this, I am not moved. I'm staying my stubborn little self. Hahaha... I just can't apply myself like that.

Owh well.. There's always next year to change.

The Let Down

I'm going to MTV World Stage! Happy~



Gosh, it's been eons since my last concert! (+.+)

Quite excited to see how Kasabian will rock their stuff.. Songs like theirs are pretty hard to pull off without sounding lethargic. They might not be everyone's cuppa tea, but their singing-while-high sound is ace! I have such high expectations for their act, Please don't let me down boys!

Plus, I'm pretty psyched to see Hoobastank (for those who say they're too mainstream, fuck you!), as always, I'm hoping they'll rock out 'Crawling In The Dark'. All time fav yo! I've never seen them live. So now am majorly giddy-excited. I think Munyet's getting annoyed with my random outburst of their songs. Hah! Too bad!

I've heard of the other acts. Hmm.. Tolerable.. Some good reviews, others not so much. who knows? They might actually blow me away. Quite curious to see what Pixie Lott can do. Since she's the only chick there, I'm hoping she performs. Girl power! Ngeh~ But the current line up is not Boom-fantastic enough. Get more acts! You're supposed to have gilababi lots of killer connections, MTV! Use em'!!!



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*Stare at tickets in hands* Yes, TWO tickets. Who shall I bring??

Duh...! But I'm clamming up just thinking about it. Dammit!
I'm such a chicken.


MUST put gigantic ego aside. M.U.S.T!


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We're having our sem break now. The heck??! We haven't even cleared the introductions!!! And I don't wanna even THINK about how much work/blabbing Si Singa will give me due to the ruined schedule. *Sigh* Bloody H1N1 disease. For once, the hols is NOT welcomed!

Peachy Squashed

Ever since last week, I've been getting all sorts of whacky looks from my dear peeps. *Sigh* I am telling you the truth! There's nothing going on.. ( I know.. So sad kan?) And the reply to my (honest!) answer would always be a raised eyebrow (I HATE people who can do that!) and a loud bull shit!


So what if I seem to run to him every time I need comfort? Since when was it suddenly a staple of being in a love-related-relationship? Sheesh. There is such a thing as a platonic relationships between the sexes people..




Telling the truth never pays... (T.T)


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"You have to wake up, babe. This will never work."


You can say whatever you want, but please don't tell me that what I have is not real. Sure, I tend to live in my own little world when when I'm with him, and so what if I don't publicly seem like I care for him?? Some things are best kept personal.


She's looking at me with pity now. Like I'm some kinda desperate case. I am NOT! Stop looking at me like that! I could've smashed her smug face. But that will just hurt me more. If I start to defend my point with violence instead of my crazy unrebuttable common sense, then there's something horribly wrong.


There's nothing wrong with me. Or my seemingly dysfunctional relationship with people. I like it just the way we are. I'm always there for him and vise versa, no matter how freaky-deaky it gets. We don't ask stupid-obvious questions (if I look upset memang sah lah I'm upset kan?? Tak payah lah duk tanye2 lagi like cluelssfucks), we just comfort each other. Nothing sexual, heck, we don't even expect anything from each other, we're there just because we want to. That's supposed to be the norm, not all the lovey-dovey-drama-you-jump-I-jump whattaeffshit.

What we have is nice, serene, no emo mellowdrama bullshit. NOT COMPLICATED. We've lasted longer then most of our friends (who are in 'real' relationships) have. That HAS to count for something right?? I'm not the delusional one. I don't think I'm wrong in holding on.


But still, I'm not stupid. The day will come when you'll be prying my fingers from yours.






I hate this.



I say the whole drama-makes-relationships-interesting theory is a goddamn retard way of thinking!

Fast Forward

1. Second ManU game wasn't as nice as the first. Here's a personal message to you ManU players; If you wanna bully the M'sian team, do so! Patronizing us by not playing your full potential is so downgrading. The least you can do was give us a smashing game. (But Munyet was happy to see his football gods, starstruck lah tu!)

P/S: Dura pun sama je!


2. All that went down yesterday (with Mr Penyabar) was blabbed to Ainie! Dura memang can't keep secrets from her! *grumble2...*


3. I find people going "Hek-eleh... are you with him ??" goddamn annoying. You people say it like he's a lesser person. News flash, He's the one who has been keeping me sane while you lot were nowhere to be seen. So don't judge him too quickly. I'll defend him over you any day. (And FYI; No, I'm not with him)


4. I'm getting sick and tired doing 'Charity work' (If you can call it that!). I am trying. So don't you dare look at me like that! From now on, I'm dubbing my bearer of bad news 'Si Singa'.. God, can't wait till I'm finally free.. *Chuckles*


5. Just realised that apart from my Goggles track-bottom (which the Commander complained looked like Seluar tidur, wtf?? Mahal kot I beli!) I have no other track-bottoms. Nampak sangat lah I don't exercise kan?? Haha.. I've already stolen my Munyet's..
Fuck. Kawad. Tomorrow.
I do NOT wanna go.



Better get back to studying.. I'm falling way behind!

Stop Horsing Around!

Looks like I'm going to the ManU vs M'sia rematch.

Craziness! Macam lah I ni die hard fan ManU or Malaysia.. But since my Munyet wants to go sooo badly (Kimpas-susah-mati ManU fan.. *Bluegh!*). Pergi lah lagi skali..


At least the tickets are free! Ahaha!!!
Poor Mr Penyabar. Now he has to babysit both me and my Munyet. Hey, I've warned you. It's an occupational hazard. But NOOO.. You said you want to. Nah, Hambik you! Haha...

But this time it's my treat. Payback was faster then I thought.. (O.O)"

See? I'm no pisau cukur!



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Haven't studied for the whole week.. Not a THING! Too busy having fun.. Macam ni ada hati nak dapat DL??! wtf lah kan??

Haih.. Wake up! Study, you lazy bum!



Just like what yummy Depp said last night;

We're having too good of a time today,

that we're not thinking about tomorrow.

(*sigh.. melt..*)

I'll Take What's Not Mine

Mr Penyabar outdid himself.. Yet again..
I'm starting to feel as if there's no limit to what he can do.. For me.



All I'm saying is that the girl who gets to keep him is one lucky bitch.. (Yeah, this also means that I am soooo NOT good enough for him. Sad but true.)

I'll take what I can get for now. Thank you very much.



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Since I've been feeling super crappy these days, he decided to gimmie a surprise. (One that I don't deserve if you ask me.)
Tickets to the ManU vs M'sia game! He's treat. I could've kissed him there and then! Heheh..



The jam was horrendous! Parking alone tested Mr Penyabar's crazyass driving skills. Heh. The Game itself was worth walking fucking long distance in high heels. (Yeah, yeah. Not practical.. But it made me look hot! So there.)

Malaysia's team (who I cheered for! Wohoo!) was surprisingly decent. Hell, they put up a pretty good fight! I'm so proud.. Haha..



Their defence was good. *muka bangga* The goal keeper did an above average job (he got that verdict coz the 3rd goal that he'd let slip was too messy. Stay within the box man.) But the down side, Their passing sucked. Macam dah buta warna! pass kat member baju biru lah, not the one's with the fugly red jerseys. (ManU's new jerseys is hodoh. Period.)



ManU on the other hand, *big grin* has lost their luster. Boyeah! In Mr Penyabar's own words; "They have lost their X factor!". I was expecting strong and fast passes or coordinated movements. A clear game plan. NOT the case this time! Plus, they put on the main players! But they looked confused.. Lost somehow. No Ronaldo and Teves = Losers?? Ahaha..



But all ManU fans say that their beloved-lah-sangat ManU bagi 'chance' to M'sia. NOT how I see it. 3-2 is a close shave. too close.. They had no qualms kicking our asses the last time they came round, why the mercy trip now?? It's either ManU is getting worse, or M'sia's getting pretty darn good. No ifs or buts! Either way, Mr Penyabar and I win! *Happy, happy. Joy, joy!*

See the peace at the bottom?? MY fingers (yang agak buruk). No way in hell am I gonna post any face shots. The hot sun + walking around the crowded stadium = Ugliness terserlah!

The final score of 3-2 was enough for me. Actually, although ManU won, it totally surpassed my expectations! definitely not an ass kicking like everybody has predicted. M'sia's team held their own yo! So Malaysians, wear your jerseys with pride!


P/S; Thank you Mr Penyabar! Really. Loved it!


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Later found out that I forgot to bring along any money. I also forgot my ID card. (T.T)"

Stupid girl! And here I thought I was going to belanja him dinner for the very thoughtful surprise.. Harapan lah nak buat camtu without a cent on me! Hiah.. So he ended up paying for everything. Aiyoo... I felt so bad.



After dinner, went to see a late night movie. Public enemies! Got to see yummy Depp all bad-ass and non-goofy. (Also paid by him!) Goddamnit, if I didn't know myself better, I'd accuse myself of squeezing him dry! He also declined all my attempts of an I.O.U. *Sigh* But whatever, he knows I have a rock for a head, and that I'll repay him anyway.

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Got home at 3 fucking a.m. Crazyness! Mama was waiting up for me, but there was no big deal.. Yes she was mad but all's good. (to her, not giving her a way to contact me was way worse than me blowing off my curfew. My bad. I love you too mummy.)

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I wanna keep you. don't you know that?? Hell, after all you've done for me. I'd be crazy not to want you.. But I can't be so selfish. Coz I care for you too. Staying with me will only make you suffer. How can I live with that??

This is SO lame!
Fuck it! Stopping now!

When The Lights Go Out

I've marched for the first time today.. Half way through, I fainted. *Sigh*

Bells were ringing in my ears, my vision blurred and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get enough oxygen in my body. The next thing I knew, I couldn't even stand.

So I guess I have to go to the doc's to PROVE to them that I'm not faking it.
Like the fuck, I wouldn't fake fainting la! Sheesh.


The commanders were relentless. Even while I was heaving, they still yelled at me. I just got goddamn robbed! And FYI; there were no damned notices in campus saying that we had to wear white. Plus, student found out YESTERDAY. It's bloody last minute, and you blame me?? I had NO time to go shopping people! Was too busy doing all the pointless police reports. God, gimmie a break!


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The days are getting from bad to worse. Even my dear roomie Anna's been asking me if I'm alright.. I'm trying, really, I am.

I've put aside my ego for about a nano-sec and texted him anyway. I needed comfort.. But when he didn't reply.. And after I took a cool-shower-n-cry session, I was back to my old me. Regretted texting him now. *Sigh*


Stop this! I'm sighing too damned much!

I'm stronger than that.




This time baby I'll be bulletproof... (La Roux)

Tell Me

I'm looking at my supply of sleepers.
I'm actually counting them now. 1.. 2.. 3.....

I need fucking sleep. But I can't. I've tried. Believe me, I've tried.. But the state of unconsciousness just wont save me. Take me away, damn you!

If I take one, or a couple.. I'll be out cold. That'll be so easy.

But I can imagine you here. With those sharp eyes of yours on mine.. Never saying a word.. silently begging me to stop doing this to myself.

I'm trying to.. Still am. So don't say I never listen to you. Coz I do. Sometimes..


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Still cant sleep! And I have morning classes tomorrow! Damnit!



I'm still listening to you...

Things That I've Lost.. And Am Still Losing

This is one of the worst days I've ever had.


I'd already felt like shit when I woke up, Now I feel like... A whole messy putrid pile of shit. Yesterday was bleak. More worries and not a sign of Mr Penyabar to take my mind off things. (I know I'm relying waaay too much on him, but what the hell. Egos aside, I also know that I need him. So there.)


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Still have no bloody idea what to do about my clashing classes. The office seems to be as clueless as I am and they keep redirecting the students to other random offices. Boleh pusing satu UiTM! the fuck lah kan?? I'm so sick and tired of caring, so I'm just gonna chill and let others do the inquiries. I'll get the memo soon enough.


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Went to Mawar for lunch. And it turned out to be the worst decision of the day.



After eating, I felt really really drowsy. I have no idea why. I had no intention to sleep. Had another class at 2 and after that, I was even planning to help out Lawsoc at 4!



Anyway, I fell asleep. The door was closed (of course) but it wasn't locked. (I had no idea how I could've forgotten that! I always lock the door, even if I need to piss really bad...) *Sigh* When I woke up (Due to Anna talking on the phone), my 2nd baby (my hand phone) was gone, and so was my purse. Fuckingpukisial!



I was IN the room! Fast asleep. ALONE! The phone was right beside me. and my purse was inside my ZIPPED bag! I was shocked and scared outta my wits. What if the thief had malicious intentions?? I could've been DEAD. I know, it's over and done with, but STILL! It could've happened! Fuckscary!



I sleep a lot, but I'm a light sleeper. Even Anna's whispers can wake me. How can I not realise that somebody broke into the room??! Auntie Laila says that I might been a victim of 'pukau'. But you all know I don't believe in that shit.. But what if I was?? *Sigh*



Now All my contacts are gone. My music, gone. My pictures (Owh, God..), gone. My money, My ATM cards, My ID, my driver's licence, My student card, My MPH and Popular cards, VIP club cards.. Holy fuck! EVERYTHING is gone! (T.T)


Sad and broken hearted, I dragged my sorry ass to the police station to report the theft.

Turns out that I'm not the only victim. wth? Gila berani this bitch! The other girl had the exact same report, around the same time, and near the same area. Coincidence?? I don't think so.


Haih.. If you wanna be a penyangak, tak payah la susah-susah study. Buat malu university students je! Baik quit, jadi penyangak full-time. There's a bunch of more deserving people out there craving for an education. Orang macam pencuri-pencuri ni memang lah tak layak dapat the privilege! You're supposed to be educated. In some ways, more refined then others.. The hell lah kalau stok Mencuri macam orang sial je kan?? Bazir masa lectures je cuba civilize people like that!


If your reading this dear thief, please know that every cent you spend or earn from my stuff will only rot your soul slowly. Whatever you spend it on, it'll bring you a series of unfortunate events. Whatever it may be! If you dare use it on food, the dirty blood running through your veins will be passed down to your descendants.. Forever cursing them to a life of horrendous luck. Buy shoes, you'll probably trip and break your legs. ( tu pun kira baik, I could just pray for you to break your neck. I'm showing you mercy, bitch.) So yeah, I can keep a grudge.


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People has been asking me why oh why did I quit my job instead of leaving Lawsoc?? They say I must be outta my mind, that I'm screwed up. Yes, I'm screwed up, But I do have my reasons. Reasons that only one person can guess, and I plan to keep it that way. That's the one weakness I do not want to be out in the open. Ever.

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I can't contact you. Maybe it's a good thing.. Coz I know I should try to stand on my own.

I yearn...

For your warm comforting arms, for you to just hold me and never let go.

For the calm soothing silence we always share, never like the deafening silence that's normally surrounding me.

For the little whacky stunts you pull just to make me laugh. However stupid it may be.

The urge to run to you is almost painful. I know that I shouldn't, but I want to.. So, SO badly.

Save me, coz I'm not sure I can save myself.

My Justification

" There is in every madman a

misunderstood genius

whose idea,

shining in his head,

frightened people, and

for whom delirium was

the only solution to the

strangulation that life

had prepared for him. "

- Antonin Artaud

Flashes! Now I'm Blind.

Induction over! *Huge sigh of relief!* Hopefully it'll be the last I'll ever have to go through..

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't as bad as I initially thought it would be, but no way in hades was it good enough to get me to say; "Hey, I wanna do this again and AGAIN!". Hah, fat chance. I'm no hypocrite. This is my bloggie, I'll say what I bloodyhell wanna say!


*Sigh*
I got home so wound up that I simply knew that if I started writing right away. I would end up writing idiotic and spiteful things. Too tired lah.


So I'm off to take a looong hooot soooak.. Uggh, Can't wait to wipe all the grime off!


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Today was pure havoc!


Crazyass weh! We had our kesatria (berkawad, Me?? Ahaha..) this morning and I swear that I was on the brink of blacking out. The girly girls next to me kept giggling away, which in turn annoyed the Sargent, and me! How the heck am I supposed to concentrate on not passing out if you people can't shut up?? Plus, the Sargent kept yelling, "Buang senyum tu!" which also annoyed me to no end as he was yelling at the girls, who were right next to me. Noise didn't help my noble effort to stay upright! Sheesh.


I can't believe I survived till the end! (Really, no kidding! I really thought I'd pass out.) Was definitely a major Hurrah! moment. Yeay me! Ahaha.. Now I just have to figure out how I'm supposed to survive going through this every single week! I can see my immediate future flashing by, it ain't pretty.. *Sob..sob..*


Later, we found out that we'd have to WALK to Cempaka. shitholes! So, kept head down and kept moving forward. What a trooper! (-.-)"



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What I could never forget;

"Kau la, yang rambut karat tu!

Sape makan babi terasalah araknye."

Honestly, that was totally uncalled for.

It doesn't matter if your the boss of the place or not,

that's just plain crude. I do not approve.

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The induction itself was okay. Actually it was quite fun, I would've had a blast if I weren't so darn tired. Obviously I haven't recovered from the morning's events. Being anemic is such a bummer. (tapi salah sendiri jugak lah, sape suruh tak makan dulu? Dah tau sakit kan??) Haih, like fuckingoldgeezer! Lembap!


Another reason why it wasn't such a boom!bombastic! event to me was because (que lameness) I kan dah cease to care.. So I didn't care whether I won or lost. I just went along for the heck of it. No pressure. It was a good thing I ended up with a group who wouldn't care less either. Especially, since it's Ika and Aina. When they say they don't give a shit, they mean it. So I can stroll along without guilt. Yeay!

Hmm.. I shall refrain from spilling the beans on what happened disebalik tabir on the explore-race.. It doesn't have anything to do with me. So cannot talk about it freely in my public bloggie . Suffice to say (ayat sape lah agaknye ni?? haha..) that if I do say more than what's appropriate, I'll cause a little stir.. (little lah sangat..) For those who can understand this; that person is not such a hanjingsial, that person is actually quite nice. when he/she isn't in a foul mood of course.

Mmmmm...

I SO WANT THIS!!!

Really REALLY want this!

But it's not available in Malaysia. (T.T)"

This is why I say -Time and time again- that Malaysians are left out!

So menyesal tak beli when I was in London..

A Smack In The Face

Mr Penyabar lost somebody yesterday.

It's the second person in the past 1 and the half months. Both family, both very dear to him.

Shit happens in life, even I know that. But what amazes me most is how he remains so stoic. So self controlled. And with all the shit that's happening around him, he still has the energy and patience to deal with me and all my fucking PMS mood swings. Amazing.

It was like an electric shock; the realization that the person who has always been my support system also needs its own support system too. Boo. Your not the only one in the world who has problems, you selfish bitch. It was a smack in the face. A wake up call if you may.. It's my turn to be his solid pillar of hope. (wtf??) Clearly, I'm not skilled at this.


Well, after all the likehanjingsial things that I've put him through, the least I can do is try.



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No class yet. Yeay!
But next week is the real thing. No more grace period for me.. Have to start studying! And I'm scared shitless about this 3rd language thingy. I sucksuperbad at learning new languages. *Sigh* Daddy was right, looks like I do need extra classes.. Fuck.

Plus, JPA hasn't given me anything! Janji kosong. Boo. Now I'm fucking broke. Nak beli air pun pikir 2,3 kali wey! Pity my sorry broke ass..


Need. To. Get. More. Money!

MUST!

Cognition Overdrive

I fell like hell.


People have been pointing out my various flaws to me today. All day. Without mercy.


Hell I tell you.


Hell.


I have A LOT of flaws. More than I would like to have or I would like to admit. But I KNOW I have them.


I know. I KNOW.



That's why I didn't even bother defending myself when bombarded with all those ugly facts. Not even a word. Only "yeses" and "I understands". I took it all in. Because I know that's exactly what they are. FACTS.


Facts that stab me in silence. You don't have to point them out to me. I already know.


I know I've failed so many people in the short course of my life. Some I feel rotten about, some I couldn't give a rats ass. But that doesn't change the fact that I've failed.


Please, just stop.


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Today I made a sickening discovery about myself. I have ceased to care. Stop caring about my post in lawsoc, whence once I was all too passionate about. Ceased to care about my new found job. I want to quit. Ceased to care about my relationship with most of my friends and even those who are closest to me. I don't want you near. do you hear me??

I'm a mess. Leave me alone.


When I first found out, I was somewhat shocked. Then I got scared. Typical me.


But after thinking about it, I guess this was bound to happen. Eventually. I don't think it's such a bad thing anymore..

Ode To You

" Kill your school books and rules

You're no fool teach us stupid

Ring the bell, ditch this hell

You're too Cool

Too cool for this school

Fail this class

Go home early

Get left back

I'm not sorry "

- Pre-Teen Violence

New Sem? *Pfft*

I think the fact that the new sem has already started hasn't quite sank in yet..
I still;



1. Sleep at 4 am.
2. Wake up waaay late!!!
3. Didn't go to UiTM today just because I felt like it.
4. Did not do ANY work. (although I have piles and piles of it!)



Hiah.. Typical me!

Plus, I've abandoned my dear sweet roomie, Anna and continued to live my life in sweet ignorance. She must be pissed at being left all by her lonesome.. I would. *Sigh* I am such a self-centered bitch sometimes..



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Today is not one of my lucky days..

1. I woke up very VERY late. (my monkey dah balik sekolah tau!) -Fail!-

2.Hence, Did not go to UiTM, where a shit pile of work was waiting for me.

3. Had a meeting for new BLS students at 8pm (dean will be there!). Cannot be late!

4. Mummy got home late. 7.45 already, tak balik-balik! So hijacked daddy's car and quickly sent monkey to his tutor centre. I am SO late!

5.Drove like mad to get from Subang to Shah Alam in under 15 mins and was going at 140 kmh on a busy road. I menyelit macam champion weh! (I just hope nobody from JPJ is reading this!)

6. At the toll, I went straight to the Smart tag lane, but it got rejected!! wtf?? Tried to reverse and go again. Still rejected. Why does this happen only if I'm late???! So the toll lady had to take my card and swipe it for me. *Grrr..*

7. No parking at UiTM (damn it!), bumped another car while trying to get out of a very crowded dead end. (thank god there were no real damage. Daddy would've killed me if i scratched his precious Merce!)

8. Came in 30 mins late. Bumped into the dean on the way in, very the malu weyh! Dah la tersesat for a while at AL! Fuck!

9. Once in, Found out that we can NEVER change groups. So stuck with the SAME people for 3 motherfucking years! Shit.

10. Something is wrong with my goddamn phone. In the meeting my phone went off, giving me messages that I'm supposed to receive LAST NIGHT! I'm supposed to have a meeting with Jannah for Lawsoc work at that very moment! hanjingsial! So had to apologise profusely for the mix up that was actually Celcom's fault! Poor Mr Penyabar.. Just gotten his messages as well..

11. After the meeting, went to pick up monkey. Drove like crazy (again) and was 30 mins late (again). Haih.. Poor kid. Got an ear-full from daddy coz he thought I'd done it on purpose. So had to explain (Very calmly -as I was teetering on the brink of madness!-) that I had a meeting and it was NOT intentional.

*sigh* With the luck I'm having, I should be happy I got home in one piece! Oh, fuck. My spoon just fell into my soup. Better finish up and go to sleep before anything else happens!

An Inconceivable Event

I cannot believe I'm doing this! I must be out of my fucking mind!
I want the jobs to earn money. NOT to be some sort of superstar.


I'm in waaay over my head.
I don't want to be a supermodel (per se), just a model. Period.


Mummy won't say yes.. No, no, NO! How can I do this if she doesn't want me to do it? (Even if I so desperately want this.)
I feel on top of the world while on the job. But I feel SO bad afterwards. I'm not doing anything wrong (well, at least I believe so). I just need my family's support in this. I just want the experience. And the money that may come.. *sigh*


This is so fucked up. How much longer can I keep up with this? I just want a small job to earn a little pocket money.. Not to be in Malaysia's version of ANTM! (for you noobs, It's short for America's Next Top Model.) (^.^)
Malaysian Teen Top Model?? OMG! Can I do this?? *Aahhh!!!*

The point is moot, I am so fucked.





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I shall NEVER again Scoff at how easy modelling is! Ever. On the second day of shooting, all of my limbs (and then some!) felt as if they're ready to fall off!

And as an added bonus, I get so tired to the point that I'll not be able to reply Mr Penyabar's messages.. (So, sorry syg!) *Sigh* Once I get home, I just go blank and black-out.

As you all can see, my little bloggie was neglected as well..


Thank god I don't have to do this often.


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Gila lah! I sangat hebat! Once done (done?? keluar early lah!) with my photoshoot, I went straight to UiTM to get ready for Kenny's wedding. Cannot miss! Mummy and Daddy will KILL me if I do! Family first!

Mr Penyabar really outdid himself (yet again) by picking me up from the shooting's location and driving me to where ever I wanted to go. I asked for his help at the very goddamn last minute and he had to travel all the way to Malacca that day, and yet he still said yes. (Ok, getting emo with gratitude here.. Haha, this is a first!) In short, THANK YOU! This is why I love you. you're the only person I know who'll put up with my crap and help me anyway.


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I normally HATE going to weddings. Despise it even. I can't stand all the 'fakeness'. So I basically go out of pity for mummy who would or else go alone. But for some odd reason, I actually enjoyed this particular one. I can't put my finger on the exact reason why, but I guess actually recognising the bridegroom must me one of the factors..


The event itself wasn't out-of-this-world grand, but it was filled with moments that struck my heart. Like the groom's speech on how he loved his parents even though there was a point in his life when he didn't like them very much (I guess he was putting it lightly), (that was a definite tear jerker moment. I almost shed a tear. ALMOST. I don't cry at weddings. Ever.) or like the way one of my great uncles cooed about his when-young-was-a-hot-air-hostess-and-now-lives-in-Singapore niece. The way he talked about her was different. Not like an old man trying to boast to other family members to say that he's better then the rest (which is what I usually get at weddings) but he actually talked about her as if he sincerely adores her.

He talked a great deal about this niece of his, even went through the trouble of introducing us. I can see that this old man just wanted his niece's approval and love. It was a whole new experience to see such naked longing for something so simple yet pure. I have to admit, I was taken aback. Anybody who paid even half of their attention to this poor old man can tell what he yearns for. It was THAT obvious. But that's the problem with people; they hear but don't listen, they see but don't look.


You don't get to see what I saw today very often in people. I was glad I was there to witness that.


Owh, did I mention that I almost killed somebody at the wedding too?? *Spent few minutes chuckling* After dessert, when evrybody's getting ready to leave, I had this seriously painful tummy ache (I think my tummy hates me). During my quest (ceh2!) to find the toilet -FAST!- I actually knocked over this HUGE fancy candle/flower holder that would've crushed both my grandma and aunt! Whoa.. Double homicide! haha! But luckily it didn't hit them.. *phew*


What an eventful wedding.. My verdict; Pass!