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I've spent the last 2 hours in bed trying to sleep.
No such luck.
Worse still, I know exactly what is bugging me but I have no fucking idea what to do about it.
*Sigh* I need sleep.

All I can think of right now is how right I've been.
And I know that it's not supposed to be that way..
But I'm so sick and tired of having to consider what my actions will result in. All the time.
Of having to walk on egg shells. All the time.
Tell me what the fuck is going on already!
I am NOT a mind reader. I am NOT Edward-freakin-Cullen. And I suck at guessing anyway.

At times like these, I miss being on my own.
To not care what happens to anybody else and walk to my own beat.
But that road tends to be very very lonely. *Sigh*

Where do you draw the line between giving for the greater good of the relationship and sacrificing too much?
It's all too bloody blurry if you ask me.

I know he doesn't like me going out with my guy friends for a reason.
I feel the same way when he goes out with his girl friends. Especially his ex.
Hell, I don't think anything hurts more than knowing that your own boyfriend still runs to his ex for comfort in his times of need. If that ain't a bitch slap from his ex to me, I don't know what is..
I was there. I was available.
I was desperate to find a way to build that 'link'. But it was denied.
And I hid that pang of jealousy/hurt and placed it at the back of my heart.
Because really, a bond that lasted 4 years ain't that easy to break right?
He needed time and if that meant that he had to go to 'her' in the mean time, then so be it.
And he never knew that was the first time I cried for him.

Pathetic, I know.
Even I cant believe what a complete loser I've been.

So now I'm angry.
Angry for what I did. But maybe angrier that he cant do the exact same thing I did for him.

I don't want to make the 'either/ or' decision.
Don't make me choose between you or my friends.
Because I don't have many TRUE friends to begin with.
Not when I know I'll end up with nothing if we decide to end things.

Call me selfish. I do not care.