"Breaking up. It happens suddenly.
One minute, you're holding hands walking down the street, and the next minute, you're lying on the floor crying and all the good CDs are missing."
-Kennedy Kasares
Although we haven't broken up, it sure feels like it.
He probably thinks that I'm the most selfish bitch that has ever walked the earth.
Maybe I deserved that.
I DID say that I've forgiven him.
That I've put the past behind.
That I'm over it.
But even I know that I'm not acting like it
But I am trying. By god, I am.
I tried so hard to just suck it in and be stronger.
Why the hell can't I do that??
And I feel so bad that I cant just shove the whole episode at the back of my mind and forget about it.
Where's the fucking off button when you really need it??
I don't know how to explain the feeling.
It's like the person you love has just baked for you a low fat carrot brownie.
It's good for you. No sugar. Less carbs.
But it tastes like fucking cardboard.
You wanna push it away, but when you see the excitement and love from the person who have painstakingly baked the thing for you.. You just cant refuse.
And you eat the damn thing.
Though it still tastes like cardboard and you feel like you wanna puke.
You do it. Coz you know it's good for you.
And you don't wanna hurt your loved one.
that's how it is for me.
I have a fucking low fat carrot brownie down my throat.
The air between us is weird.
Like there's some invincible wall between us.
It all seems so fake now.
And I don't want it to be that way.
Why does everything seem so different?
He's still the same guy I fell madly in love with.
I still trust him.
But something is just.. off.
And it frustrates me that I cant pin point what it is.
Is it because I now know that he doesn't trust me and never had?
Or is it because apart of my love for him died along with the knowledge of that fact?
Or maybe it's just a big deal to me and I cant just let it go?
Or do i just need more time to be comfortable again?
I cant decide. I don't know what's wrong with me.
*Bangs head on wall*
And I STILL feel bad.
He probably thinks that I'm the most selfish bitch that has ever walked the earth.
Maybe I deserved that.
I DID say that I've forgiven him.
That I've put the past behind.
That I'm over it.
But even I know that I'm not acting like it
But I am trying. By god, I am.
I tried so hard to just suck it in and be stronger.
Why the hell can't I do that??
And I feel so bad that I cant just shove the whole episode at the back of my mind and forget about it.
Where's the fucking off button when you really need it??
I don't know how to explain the feeling.
It's like the person you love has just baked for you a low fat carrot brownie.
It's good for you. No sugar. Less carbs.
But it tastes like fucking cardboard.
You wanna push it away, but when you see the excitement and love from the person who have painstakingly baked the thing for you.. You just cant refuse.
And you eat the damn thing.
Though it still tastes like cardboard and you feel like you wanna puke.
You do it. Coz you know it's good for you.
And you don't wanna hurt your loved one.
that's how it is for me.
I have a fucking low fat carrot brownie down my throat.
The air between us is weird.
Like there's some invincible wall between us.
It all seems so fake now.
And I don't want it to be that way.
Why does everything seem so different?
He's still the same guy I fell madly in love with.
I still trust him.
But something is just.. off.
And it frustrates me that I cant pin point what it is.
Is it because I now know that he doesn't trust me and never had?
Or is it because apart of my love for him died along with the knowledge of that fact?
Or maybe it's just a big deal to me and I cant just let it go?
Or do i just need more time to be comfortable again?
I cant decide. I don't know what's wrong with me.
*Bangs head on wall*
And I STILL feel bad.
I wanna crawl under a rock and come out only for moots. Heh.
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